Here's to the random things that make up my life and make it the wonderful ride that it is.
Tuesday, August 10, 2021
Life in the Dash Aug 10, 2007-2021
Saturday, July 17, 2021
Oh My Soul
So to the fears that have shrouded my mind and heart this week, this is the place where my fragile mustard seed of faith tells you to move. This is where you meet the God I know, the God who sees me (El Roi), the God who provides (Jehovah-Jireh), the Almighty God (El Shaddai) and the God who is ultimately just (Elohim). This is where I go back to what I know and not what I feel. I know that God is good, faithful, and still God. May this Ebenezer be the mark where God shows up in unexpected ways.
May it be so.
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary from fearing
You lost control
This was the one thing
You didn't see coming
And no one would blame you though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away
So no one knows
No one will see
If you stop believing
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down
You can be honest
I won't try to promise
That someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now
He is breathing on
Your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was
This much I know
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
You can lay this down
I can't take anymore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
And my shipwrecked faith
Will never get me to shore
You can lay it down
Can he find me here?
Can he keep me from going under?
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
Tuesday, July 6, 2021
Big Feelings
Anyone who has known me for longer than 15 minutes has to know that all of my feelings are BIG. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love quickly, deeply, and without reservation. We meet as friends and end as family. Hugs are my currency and prayers anchor my connections. I hoard a lot of books, but I hoard people and friendships even more. The Biggest Heart and Most Tender-hearted are the only awards hanging on my walls. My heart is the filter thru which I do all of my life. It is a swinging door that also allows BIG hurts in. I feel my pain on multiple levels. Rejection cuts to the core of my soul. So this season of hell that I am in, I am feeling pains I have never felt before, on levels I never knew existed. I know this pain is not necessarily unique and not new per se but nothing can prepare you for its devastation. Most people have no idea of the entirety of this particular divorce story, but it has absolutely shattered me and left me broken. I hate looking weak and this new level of vulnerability is daunting. I want to be healed and whole again, and I have some small hope that one day I will be. Still, the way forward is frightening. I know I have to actually sit in this dark pain to process it, but I hate it and I do not do it well. Every fiber of my being is pulsing like it is on meth to DO SOMETHING. Do anything to distract myself. Focus on others' pain. Fill my time. Eat the good stuff. Discover something I can control. Find anything to fill this void. This. Hurts. Too. Much.
I am not blaming God at all, but He is calmly listening to a head and heart full of angry and caustic words that I am hurling His way. I have grieved and lamented the loss and death of dreams before, but this is different. This grief has more triggers, more nuance, and leaves me at the mercy of other people's decisions. In the midst of my own darkness, I have to help my daughter find her own space and way to grieve and process this too. So today, I am feeling the weight of the injustice of it all. There is no winning situation. There is no way that I will come out unscathed. There is no way that I will not feel the rejection with every step. There is no way but to walk thru this fire. To every event there is a season and there is a time for crumbl cookies and Hallmark movies and creative crafting and screaming lyrics while alone in my car. For today though, the season is for hot, angry tears from my eyes and loud, heaving sobs from my soul as I sit in this pain with all of these big feelings.
Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." May it be so.