Oh My Soul

    There is a song by Casting Crowns that I have not heard in ages until this past week called "Oh My Soul". As I was singing along, part of the chorus slapped me across the face and then proceeded to be on a repeat track in my mind for several days. It says, "There's a place where fear has to face the God you know..." Mic drop.

    This week I have had to face some really big mountains. Mountains that seem impossible, completely unjust, and utterly devastating. I have been grieving and cursing and venting and bawling. I have been reaching out to connect with other humans like a dying man in search of water in the desert because right now, it feels hopeless and completely out of my control. I feel like I am on this constant roller-coaster that every time I start to get a toe hold on my life, on my feelings, and on my emotions something brings a sucker punch to my gut, and for now it is too much, too hard to remember the faithfulness I have already been blessed with. So people have been graciously speaking hard, yet necessary, truths over me and to me and in the gap for me as I try to process all that is to come.  Honestly, I am struggling to get to the place where I introduce these fears to the God I know. There is something so intimate and humbling and nerve-wracking coming before the God of the universe and saying "This really sucks. I am tired of this constant battle. I do not see a way out, and I am super frustrated feeling like I am getting the short end of the stick. Where are You?". This whole process is taking everything I have and everything I have ever known about God to maneuver through this knowledge and pain. It is requiring the vulnerability with friends to ask for their love and strength as I bolster my own. It is compelling me to be gracious to my own body, soul, and spirit and to find things that speak life into my bones. It is requiring that I trust, even in the most unknown. 

    One thing, though, that is making all of this even more frustrating is that I have already been down the trauma road. I have already faced literal death and despair. I have already bawled and processed and been severely humbled. I have already showed my scars that bore witness to God's grace, mercy, and faithfulness. Been there, done that...for real. Yet, this trauma is different and purposeful and the result of other fallible human beings. It is making its own newly carved ruts on my soul, and these ruts require its own process, learning, and foundation. It is another fire for my faith to endure as my dross is revealed and removed. The struggle is absolutely real. 

 So to the fears that have shrouded my mind and heart this week, this is the place where my fragile mustard seed of faith tells you to move. This is where you meet the God I know, the God who sees me (El Roi), the God who provides (Jehovah-Jireh), the Almighty God (El Shaddai) and the God who is ultimately just (Elohim). This is where I go back to what I know and not what I feel. I know that God is good, faithful, and still God. May this Ebenezer be the mark where God shows up in unexpected ways. 

May it be so.

My Anthem for the week...

https://youtu.be/DjNZf878ISQ

Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary from fearing
You lost control
This was the one thing
You didn't see coming
And no one would blame you though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away
So no one knows
No one will see
If you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise
That someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now
He is breathing on
Your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was

Ash and stone
This much I know

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way

Let Him show you how
You can lay this down

I'm not strong enough
I can't take anymore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
And my shipwrecked faith
Will never get me to shore
You can lay it down

You can lay it down
Can he find me here?
Can he keep me from going under?

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul
You are not alone

Source: Musixmatch

Big Feelings

     Anyone who has known me for longer than 15 minutes has to know that all of my feelings are BIG. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love quickly, deeply, and without reservation. We meet as friends and end as family. Hugs are my currency and prayers anchor my connections. I hoard a lot of books, but I hoard people and friendships even more. The Biggest Heart and Most Tender-hearted are the only awards hanging on my walls. My heart is the filter thru which I do all of my life. It is a swinging door that also allows BIG hurts in. I feel my pain on multiple levels. Rejection cuts to the core of my soul. So this season of hell that I am in, I am feeling pains I have never felt before, on levels I never knew existed. I know this pain is not necessarily unique and not new per se but nothing can prepare you for its devastation. Most people have no idea of the entirety of this particular divorce story, but it has absolutely shattered me and left me broken. I hate looking weak and this new level of vulnerability is daunting. I want to be healed and whole again, and I have some small hope that one day I will be. Still, the way forward is frightening. I know I have to actually sit in this dark pain to process it, but I hate it and I do not do it well. Every fiber of my being is pulsing like it is on meth to DO SOMETHING. Do anything to distract myself. Focus on others' pain. Fill my time. Eat the good stuff. Discover something I can control. Find anything to fill this void. This. Hurts. Too. Much.

    I am not blaming God at all, but He is calmly listening to a head and heart full of angry and caustic words that I am hurling His way. I have grieved and lamented the loss and death of dreams before,  but this is different. This grief has more triggers, more nuance, and leaves me at the mercy of other people's decisions. In the midst of my own darkness, I have to help my daughter find her own space and way to grieve and process this too. So today, I am feeling the weight of the injustice of it all. There is no winning situation. There is no way that I will come out unscathed. There is no way that I will not feel the rejection with every step. There is no way but to walk thru this fire. To every event there is a season and there is a time for crumbl cookies and Hallmark movies and creative crafting and screaming lyrics while alone in my car. For today though, the season is for hot, angry tears from my eyes and loud, heaving sobs from my soul as I sit in this pain with all of these big feelings. 

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." May it be so.