Another trip around the sun has come and gone as I try to reflect back on how far this journey has brought me. Some days it seems like it happened eons ago and to a completely different person. Other days the lingering effects, the grief of what was lost still hits deep and fresh. Cancer leaves an indelible mark on your life with scars both seen and unseen. Yet, it can also give gifts that you never knew you so desperately needed. As I was looking back today, I was reminded once again of the gift of CONJUNCTIONS, a gift I still walk in. I know it sounds bizarre and kitschy, but hear me out. Thru this journey of low valleys and even more low valleys, I have learned to live in the beautiful tension of AND. God is good AND Cancer sucks. I can grieve all that I lost AND laugh with joy at the good things I still hold. I can be anxious AND still know that God has got me. I can know truth AND still have questions and doubts. I can love God with my whole heart AND still be angry about why I still feel like the modern day Job. I have also learned to lean into the BUT of life. My current situations with court and the ex and money and jobs and doctors all seem kind of hopeless, like I am stuck on a hamster wheel going, going going.... nowhere. BUT God... so far, He has made a way when I couldn't see a way and provided for my needs. BUT God... at the times when my fingers were slipping off the end of my rope, there He was. BUT God... even in the silence and lingering wilderness and barren desert, He gives me glimpses of his faithfulness to remind me He is still working in the waiting. BUT God... even in my wondering and worrying and fear, He still calls me beloved and worthy of good things. BUT God... when my arms are tired and I am losing the battle, He brings in the Aaron and Hur to my Moses arms to lift me up and encourage me to finish the fight.
So to my fellow survivors and sojourners and everyone in between, I pray you will find that sweet spot of tension in all areas of your life. May you have joy amid your heartache, peace within your worry, and hope in spite of your grief.
Now here is to another Lucky Bakers Dozen of milestones marking my Ebenezers, learning and relearning the same lessons because I'm human, and seeing my purpose finally played out. Thank you to all who have carried me this far on your love, prayers, support and friendship. It takes a village and I couldn't be more grateful for mine.
