The Two Horned Goat- 2021

    In the movie The Help, there is an awesome quote, "Love and hate are two horns on the same goat...". If that doesn't describe life, I don't know what does. Now, hate is not a word I usually use, but honestly, I have HATED a lot of moments this year. Some of the worst moments of 2021 rivaled some of the darkest times during my cancer battle, and I do not say that cavalierly.  Having to muck my way through this valley of divorce and trauma, this time with my daughter and for my daughter and as an example to her took wrestling with God to a whole new level. I thought the spiritual intimacy I had already come to know, love, and rely on was enough. Instead, these last ten months have shown me very clearly the areas that I was still trying to control and hide. While battling law and order and the judicial system on the outside, an inner battle was waging as I was learning to let go of my fear of the unknown and to leave Nevaeh in the hands of the One who created her. "Ebenezer" and "El Roi"  became my daily battle cry as I kept reminding myself that thus far He had been faithful and He would see us both through this undulating rollercoaster of change and emotions.  

    To say 2021 was a year for the books is an understatement. The story I have lived is one that I could not make up even if I tried. It has been full of nuance and surprises. I felt my way out of many nights of darkness and was also blessed to experience occasions of pure and unadulterated joy. While I was hurt by the one closest to me, I found a blanket of love and support from amazing people all over the world.  The lessons learned and relearned could fill a book, but these top 15 encapsulate this past year...

1. I can find joy and still be sad at the same time.

2. God sees my daughter just like He sees me.

3. Hate and unforgiveness hinder true healing.

4. Grace and space to grieve are some of the greatest gifts.

5. Walking with God is a constant learning and developing relationship. 

6. Going first with my vulnerability, gives others the courage to be vulnerable too.

7. Sometimes people are the best surprises along the journey.

8. Faithfulness will eventually always win out. 

9. Community is absolutely essential to every step in life. 

10. I can be crushed without being utterly destroyed, even when it can feel like I am.  

11. Blessings come in unexpected packages and relationships.

12. Validation can make all the difference in the world. 

13. We can only heal what we name.

14. Honoring my journey and my relationships is a beautiful and awe-inspiring thing.

15. Open-Palmed Living is hard but brings inexplicable freedom. 

Therefore, as I process this past year and step into the next carrying these lessons, I have found my two words on which to focus. The first one has been spoken over me more than once and really fits my mantra of Joel 2:25. It is REDEEMED.

 

Isaiah 43:1-3

But now, this is what the Lord says—

    he who created you, Jacob,

    he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 

When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

    they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

    you will not be burned;

    the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

 

MAY IT BE SO!!

The next word is GRIT: She is unshakeable not because she doesn't know pain or failure, but because she always pushes through. Because she always shows up and never gives up. Because she believes anything is possible no matter the odds. She is just like a pearl- made from grit but full of grace. @bryananthonys. This is how I want to be. 

So here's to 2022: May this coming year redeem my grit into a priceless pearl. May this time spent in waiting bear a flood of fruitfulness. May my mourning be turned into great joy. May my healing reveal my stronger self. May all my losses be regained ten fold. May my broken heart find a safe place to land, and May those lessons which have been forged in fire become the steel foundation to the incredible next chapter of my life.