14 on the 14th. It is hard to believe I am a full-blown teenager away from the Bone Marrow Transplant. The more I watch my daughter grow and mature into the beautiful young woman she is, the more I realize the farther and farther away I am from that traumatic chapter in my life. Ironically though, that trauma has been closer than ever lately in different ways. This past year has brought some really big changes in my life, including a major job change. As a result, I have been blessed with several opportunities to share my testimony with new people. This has led to sitting in and revisiting the hard parts of my story. I’ve had to sit in those hard top-line chapters again to try to actually put the words of my story to a paper for a devotion. I’ve had to rewatch the reels play through my mind as I whittle down all of the beautiful nuances of God’s mercy into a few broad strokes of amazing miracles to try to help people have an understanding of the living, breathing, walking miracle my life really is. It’s been incredible and humbling all at the same time. Every time I get to share, I feel like I am walking out my favorite verse that I have held onto all of these cancer-filled years, Joel 2:25. Getting to tell people that I know how it feels to be angry with God even as a “good” Christian or to understand the fear at wondering if I will ever feel normal again is such a gift and such a redemption for all that cancer took from my life. Getting to be that “Me Too” friend is a mind-blowing blessing that I do not take for granted either. I feel as though I am on the cusp of some other new chapters and all of the lessons learned through cancer and divorce and wilderness are still coming to play as I venture into uncharted territory. Even as I mark this new milestone, I am still learning how to wrestle well with God, still learning how to live with palms wide open instead of fisted shut, and still learning what God requires from my “yes” even if it’s a quiet one.
Today, I mark this birthday with BOTH joy at making this far AND grief that I am still not quite where I want to be. I am BOTH proud of the work I have been able to do AND humbled that God can use a scarred mess like me to do good work and bless others. I am grateful AND amazed that God’s grace and mercy are unlimited and that I get to live my life as living proof of it.
Happy Golden 14th BMT Birthday to Me!!
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