Good Bye 2018 and Hello 2019

As I have tried to look back and take stock of the past year, one word keeps leaping out to describe what it has looked like, and that word is TURMOIL. Even though there have been so many great moments and milestones this year, there has also been a lot of upheaval, frustration, and change. 2018 seemed like THE year for so many emotions. It was a year filled with deployments, re-entries, job changes, relationship changes, loss of loved ones, hurt feelings, health scares, and personal battles. It seemed like every time I turned around I had to face hurt, either for myself or those that I love. 2018 was also the year where I prayed the most gut-wrenching and hard-to-pray prayers, and also where I could no longer ignore the face in the mirror and instead had to make some major changes. So, needless to say, I was more than ready to ring in 2019. I have no idea what this next year could possibly look like, but there are a few things, mostly mantras, I am hoping to take with me into this year.

1. I want to be brave and to continue telling my story, including the hard and ugly parts. I want to be brave to inspire others to be brave, and I also want my story to help others know that they aren't alone.

2. My word for this year is Peace. I have battled  A LOT of anxiety this year (most of it probably unwarranted), and in 2019, I want those chains broken. I do not want my fears of unknowns to take away from living my best life. I also do not want that fear to steal the joy I have in each day with those I love and the things that I am already blessed with... NOT TODAY SATAN!!

3. I AM WORTH IT!! I need to remember that I am worth it because the One who made me has declared it so. I am worth choosing my best yes. I am worth choosing a healthier option. I am worth the grace required when I stumble and stumble again. I am worth it to realize that I am a work in progress and not a finished product.

4. Finally, ... BUT GOD! These past few years have not gone anywhere close to the road I would have chosen for myself or anyone else, but it was the journey to which I was led. There have been so many things that have seemed utterly impossible, but then God showed up in ways that blew my mind. There are still many things that are elephants in the room which are going to take God-sized miracles to overcome, but I am choosing to attach those two powerful words to the end of them. BUT GOD!!

2019: Here's to being able to thrive more than just survive. Here's to being a better, stronger version of myself, and here's to God to doing immeasurably more than I could ask for or imagine.

Some of the highlights of 2018 in pictures:

 

 

 

                              

 

Lucky #7 BMT

Honestly, as I sat down to write today, waves of doubt started assaulting my mind. I wonder if people reading this are starting to hear the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoons. "wah wah wah...". I wonder if the select few that open this post up are getting so tired of reading about this spiritual roller-coaster that is my life. I wonder if my words carry any weight or inspiration. So, I'm pulling up my big girl pants and telling myself that this is my God-given story. This is my Ebeneezer, and a way to see God's fingerprints covering each scene of my life. Therefore, I will continue to write and pour my heart out in a wave of vulnerability.
As I was looking back over the last year and over the previous posts written, I can finally see that I have reached a new plateau, which is a bittersweet thing. I am better than I was even five months ago, but still not quite where I would like to be. I have proven that I have what it takes to stand with my scars and my hurts and I can praise God that these dark valleys are never permanent. This last year has been a year of learning what complete surrender looks like and how to lay down fast-held dreams. It's been a year of still struggling to learn who I am and what I am worth. It's been a year of realizing my silver linings may come in ways I never expected. It is also the year, I found a strength I never knew existed and that I can say with confidence "Not today Satan! I will not break.". The holes that suffering gouged out of my heart these past several years are now filled with pools of compassion and grace. I find myself open to new possibilities, new gifts, and new dreams. I have felt the beginnings a of new chapter starting to bud in my spirit, which has been quite the surprise. I have been able to establish new connections with people like never before, and have found unique ways to be a blessing to them.  I have learned what it takes to forgive and to show mercy. Finally, I have been reminded over and over again that we were all made for community. Life is better when lived within a tribe who gets you and does real life with you. In a world of social media, separating all of us behind divisional lines and screens, my heart is full knowing that I have been blessed by many different circles of friends. These circles are the ones that have held me in my ugliness, dried my tears of desperation, and showed me the glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel. These are the people that have helped me find my way onto this plateau. I have no idea where that leads me going forward or what this next year might look like now that hope springs eternal. So I go with a quote by Tim Tebow that states "I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future". So Happy 7th BMT re-birthday to me. Here is to hoping that next year will be the best year ever, and that I will be a better version of myself.

My love and laughter, my Sweet Pea

My Sugar Bear

Year 8

February 22nd continues it's tradition to be a day that forces me to look for the good, for silver linings, and to see God's handprint on my life. It started out a beautiful day having breakfast with a good friend and snuggling with my niece as she turned six months old. It turned into an awful one with me involved in a 5 car pile up half a mile from my house. This particular day just added to the mess heap that was the last two months of utter chaos and stress. So today, in the face of physical and emotional hurt,  I will do what I know to do-  I go back to what I know and not what I feel. God is good and faithful and still God. Today, his angels kept Tamzin perfectly safe and allowed me to walk away with only minor injuries and soreness. God's mercy flowed over me as the driver in front of me was kind and thoughtful and utterly gracious. A stranger then opened his home so I could take care of some personal needs and he offered to call someone and get me some water... hello kindness. I found more kindness in the ladies at the doctors office who first took the time to see if  I was ok before moving on to the business side of things. God's faithfulness came thru as He made it possible that Clay should still be home from work and able to come pick us up. His goodness was revealed by providing insurance to cover some of the finances  (a good reminder to be thankful when that monthly bill comes around). His amazing awesomeness gave me goosebumps as my daughter asked if she could ask her teacher and her friend to pray for me. Finally, God showed off by giving me the best family a girl could hope for to love on me, take care of me, and to pick up my slack as I recover.  He also gave me an incredible tribe of people who stand in the gap for me and overwhelm my heart with gratitude.
So on this 8th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, I will not tell God how big my storm is, but I will tell my storm how big my God is. I will pour out kindness even when it is not reciprocated. I will live my life with my palms up and my arms open wide. God you are good and your mercy endures forever.

Similar view 2010 & 2018

My Constellation 2017

Today is an anniversary of sorts. It is mostly unknown to those around me, yet it marks the spot of some very dark valleys I have had to wander thru. This past year definitely had it's share of times so dark, it literally had me on my knees wailing. Someone once said that it is in the darkest night, the stars shine their brightest. These little glimmers of light are essential to giving us hope that there is something beyond these dark nights, that there is good even in the midst of the bad. This past year like so many in the past God has been gracious in giving me glimpses of hope as I wait, almost, patiently for a miracle and for redemption. He has given me my own constellation of good moments and some moments of pure holiness that I will never forget. 

Some of these moments came in the most unlikely places and in the hands of some unlikely people. For instance, I was blown away when God chose to use a class of little second graders to draw me closer to His heart. These little people had written letters to my deployed husband and his unit and they wanted to not only pray over those letters but also over Nevaeh and I. (I am getting goosebumps and tears even as I am writing this post). Seeing their pure faith released as they laid hands on us and lifted up their simple yet profound prayers was both inspiring and humbling. If there ever was a holy moment, this was it. It made me want to take off my shoes and lay prostrate on the ground in reverance. Another moment came after a game night out with some of my closest lady friends. We had a great night filled with loud laughs and great food and amazing fellowship. It was the kind of night that just filled my empty cup. As the night was drawing to an end, one of our own shared some devastating news that rocked us all to the core. Even after a fun night of crazy laughter, these ladies did not hesitate to come over to hug and cry and surround us with prayer. I firmly believe that God orchestrated all the details of that girl's night to be the perfect place to share some hard things, and I also firmly believe that God created us to be a community, to be a part of a tribe, to do everyday life with those around us. To those in my tribes, I am truly blessed because of all of you.

 Another star moment this past year was when I went to the local IF:Gathering. I went not knowing a soul and having never gone before. This was a step way out of my comfort zone, but one I needed to take. I needed a God- moment. I needed a spiritual refreshing, and this was so much more. As I was hanging around the registration desk looking lost, I was graciously invited to sit with a small group of ladies so I would not have to sit alone. It was amazing. It was like doing church New Testament style. We broke bread together, we worshiped together, and we shared our struggles together. I can't even begin to describe how awesome this experience was or tell why it was life changing, but it was. It was a moment where I could literally feel a hug from heaven and a wave of pure grace flowing over me. Finally, my most recent moment of hope has come thru my beautiful niece Tamzin. She is adorable and hilarious and so easy to take care of. I get the supreme pleasure of getting to be her nanny 3 days a week. Its like the best of both worlds, getting in my snuggles and still getting to sleep at night. She is also my silver lining. When my daughter was born, I was deathly ill. Even after several months post chemo, I did not have the stamina or strength to really take care of her. I missed out on a lot of bonding time and baby snuggles because I was just too sick. I grieved a lot over the things I missed, and still sometimes grieve today. Yet,through it all I have held onto the verse in Joel 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...". This is an "aha" moment. It is as though God is redeeming that time and treasure lost with Nevaeh by caring for Tamzin. It's not a miracle I was expecting, but one I am so grateful for.

These stories are just a glimpse of my stellar constellation. These are some of the moments that I cling to when my dark nights return. These are the moments I want to rejoice in, and these are the moments I want to share to give hope. So here's to hoping and believing and trusting that 2018 is going to be even more magnanimous.

Now here is a picture recap of 2017:

 

 

 

June 14, 2017 = 6 years post BMT

This year, this milestone feels different, looks different, and is definitely not where I thought I would be. As I was looking back in February, on the 7th anniversary of my diagnosis, I feel like I have taken steps backwards in these short couple of months. I feel like I have nothing inspiring or revolutionary to share this go around. All I have to offer you, my friends, is a raw, tired, and vulnerable heart spilled out into words. This post is asking for grace from myself to write it and grace from those few who read it...

Six years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room surrounded by my immediate family crying and praying over me, as I tried very hard not to vomit the creamed corn scented marrow I was being injected with, all over them. Just thinking about it kind of turns my stomach still. I was a mess, weak and frail, and exhausted in every way. I was so ready to be done fighting, ready to put the whole nightmare behind me. Some days, I honestly did not know if I was going to make it. Life felt unfair, and I went through the whole grieving process several times a day. Now six years later, some things remain the same. I think I am more of a hot mess these days, if I am truly honest. Life still seems unfair, and my spirit is exhausted from fighting some major spiritual battles and some intense personal ones. I am ready to be done fighting. I am ready for my redemption, my silver linings. I am ready to see the fruits of the hope I have placed in Jesus. Lately, though, my prayers seem to vanish in the wind. Yet, I keep plodding forward because it is the only choice I have, and I do know deep down where my hope lies. My hope is in Christ ALONE, and sometimes my head needs to be reminded of that. Today was one of those days. I am battling the uncertainty of what next step to take and how far I can bend before I break. This day should be one overflowing with gratitude and grace, and instead, I am trying to find the place "where fear has to face the God you know" (Casting Crowns). Today, I was reminded to be like Daniel, who in the face of fear, continued on doing what he knew was right. He continued to pray in public three times a day, even though he knew it led to being the dinner plate of ferocious lions because that is what God called him to do. So, here's to being more like Daniel, having faith in spite of the fear. Here's to waking up to new mercies every day and the gratitude that comes from it. Finally, here's to El Roi the God who sees me in this place and in this moment and still remains faithful. Happy 6th re-birthday to me!

Two of the women who keep me smiling

Totally fan-girling in Karen Kingsbury's bus