Life In a Decade

   Ten years ago today, I was neck deep in cells and smells and tears. I was clinging to my faith and fighting off the darkness of death. Everything was out of my control. I had no idea what my future held or how my life would turn out. All I had was my hope that God was still good and faithful and in control as God. Fast forward a decade and today, I find myself again clinging to my scarred faith and fighting a different sort of darkness. Things are still so much out of my control, and I am still holding tight to the hope that God is still good and faithful and still God. 

    This should have been a big year, a big deal, and I should be celebrating and marveling at how far God has brought me. TEN YEARS ALIVE!!! Ten years marking the milestones with my baby girl!!! I should be writing a new anniversary post and recalling my past Ebenezers to reminisce about how He brought Joel 2:25 to fruition in my life. I should be living life to the full. Instead, I am struggling, surviving, and separating. I have been ushered into a club I never thought I would be in... The (soon to be) divorced spouse club. A club that is full of different kinds of survivors whose scars are rarely visible. A club that breaks my heart and brings me to my knees. Now and again, I have no idea how my life will turn out after this particular battle plays out. I have no idea how God will redeem this time and journey, or how any beauty will come from these devastating ashes. I have no idea how well I am parenting, as I balance healing and persevering and forgiving. I just have NO idea except that this 100% SUCKS!!! I hate that there is this club (but grateful I am not alone), and I hate being forced to choose between multiple things that I hold dear. I hate the guilt and sadness that come with every step in this process. I hate the changes and having to let go of things I never thought I would have to give up. I hate watching my daughter having to navigate a middle ground. Mostly, I hate the old demons that have reared their ugly head trying to validate all of my fears in the midst of all of this turmoil.

   

    Ergo, here I am trying to recall and remember all that I do know to be true. The verses that bolstered me then, are building me up today. The songs that gave my story a voice are also now singing this new chapter. The friends and family that stormed heaven's gates then, have now stepped into my muck and mire and are marching me forward again. New friends have joined my tribe as they wrap me up in words of truth and love. Holy ground now looks more like bunco nights, salon chairs, garage sales, tin can mailboxes, Crumbl cookies, breakfast dates, drive thru lunches, and a circle of friends that hold me as snot and tears pour down my face more often than not. This is what life in a decade looks like for me.

    So, ten years ago I got a new immune system and newish body, and today I am heading toward a new chapter, new title, and new beginning of freedom that I did not know was possible. 

May the Lord do immeasurably more than I could ask for or imagine in this next decade of new life!! 

These links are my current anthem songs...

https://youtu.be/ZErLEnRNfbE

https://youtu.be/johgSkNj3-A

Eleven Years Down and a Lifetime to Go

Eleven years. More than a decade.

It sounds weird and feels different in ways I cannot quite describe. This past year has been so very dark and heavy and just plain sucky. There have been times that the battles I have faced this past year were just as wearisome as the ones dealing with chemo. Then there were the times I couldn't remember my own mantra or the lessons I had already learned. There were times that felt (and still feel like) they will never get better, never get back to normal. 2021 was looking so promising like a beacon of hope and change, and so far I am not impressed. However, this year has also shown me in so many ways how good God continues to be. His promise to me of Joel 2:25 continues to come to fruition and that has never been more apparent than this past year. My battle, my hurts, my anger, my grace, my humbling, my redemption, and my entire journey has brought me to some incredibly holy places. This year has claimed so many new warriors to the cancer battle, and my heart has been burdened for each one. Every time I heard the news of my nephew, my friends, my friends' kids and moms, my heart broke as the remembrance of those horrific words overwhelmed my soul. I grieve because I know all that will be lost. I weep because I dread the pain and sickness that will come. I speak grace and truths because I know the confusion and anger that will find its way out.  Then I pray because I know I serve a God that is good and faithful and still God. I serve a God that is big enough to handle the anger, frustration, doubt , and swearing that weaves its way into the heart of the warrior. I serve a God that can heal and do immeasurably more than I could ever ask for or imagine.

So on this 11th anniversary of my own diagnosis, I am thankful for the place I have been put. I am thankful for how far I have come, and for the incredible mission field before me. Finally, to all of you who stood in my gap, who held my arms up in battle, who wept when I wept and rejoiced when I could rejoice, who showed me the hands and feet of Jesus, I continue to thank God for you too.

The Ball and The Button

    Today is the 21st day of the 21st year of the 21st century, and also a day that hits closer to home for me. Six years I have been lamenting, toiling, praying, believing, stepping forward to only get knocked back and then compound it by the year that shall not be named... and here I sit. As I reflect and mark this day, I am reminded of the analogy of grief as a ball inside this box we call life. 

“'In the beginning, the ball is huge,' Herschel said in a tweet. 'You can’t move the box without the ball hitting the pain button. It rattles around on its own in there and hits the button over and over. You can’t control it – it just keeps hurting. Sometimes it seems unrelenting. Over time, the ball shrinks — but every now and then, it still hits the button. Maybe you see someone who reminds you of your loved one. Maybe a certain song plays on the radio. Maybe it comes out of nowhere. For most people, the ball never really goes away,' she said in another tweet. 'It might hit less and less and you have more time to recover between hits, unlike when the ball was still giant.'"

    If there was ever an analogy that fit with 2020, this is it. My 2020 was no exception. My year was no more remarkable than others. My grief, although it maybe different, was and is still grief, and it has reared its ugly head more times than I can count, moreover, in ways that I have not expected. I will be the first to admit this past year was not my finest. It was dark and heavy and mostly defeating. I kept losing sight of my Anchor. I kept taking back the anxiety and fear that I had just laid down. I kept heeding old lies about my worth. I settled for mediocrity because it was a known quantity when everything else "normal" was gone. I stepped back to avoid confrontation and let hurt be a banner. I had given up land that I had already staked a claim in.... yeah I was definitely not winning. Then looking back over the year and trying to recount my fruit (aka blessings) I really struggled to remember the good. It took me scrolling through my pictures to remember that EVERY SINGLE MONTH something good happened. Good things that I had forgotten because the darkness of the everyday had overshadowed their memory. 

So I write this post bearing my vulnerable heart on a white screen to share that 35 years into this life, 30 years into faith, almost 11 years as a survivor, and 6 years as a broken down woman and the struggle is as real as ever.

BUT GOD. 

Because of his grace and mercy, I was yet again privy to some incredibly holy moments that helped to shrink my ball of grief. Moments that filled my cup to overflowing and gave me the strength to face another day. He gave me a new niece, Phoenix, who has stolen my heart♥️ and reminded me of His goodness. Because of His love, I have been humbled as friends became family and I was witness to them stepping up to help when things got rough. Because of His awesomeness, I have an incredible relationship with my sister and a brother that I adore. Even more, I still have the best family a girl could ask for, a family that moves to fill the spaces when I lack , a family that brings laughter in the mundane, and a family that knows me and loves me regardless. 

On this day full of feelings, not only as an anniversary but also as a new chapter of uncertainty in this world, I cling to my sometimes mustard seed sized faith and hope for miracles. I am restarting the work of healing and attempting to let go of the chains and lies that have bound me. I seek to worship in this storm and remember that God is still good and faithful and most importantly still God.

May 2021 be the cleaning and refreshing and renewal we need. 

 

 

 

Happy 9th BMT Birthday to ME!!

    This year has truly been one for the books for all of us, and one that is difficult to wrap our heads around. Yet, for me, this has been somewhat of a déjà vu moment. Nine, seemingly long years ago, I was in my very own quarantine, secluded away from my infant daughter and most visitors. Masks, gowns and gloves were my constant companions along with the illustrious odor of creamed corn.😬 Major shopping and eating out were all but forbidden until 45-100 days post transplant. Bottles of hand sanitizer littered every room along with Clorox wipes to be used after every person... Sound familiar? It was definitely a weird moment for me when I realized I was feeling some very similar things all over again. After my BMT in 2011, it took a LONG time after that whole ordeal not to fear living my life. For so long, I had lived in fear about so many things that could possibly make me sick because I had ZERO immunity. I was not able to thrive because all attention was on me being able to just survive. I had to pay attention to everything I did and ate and who I came into contact with. Along the way, those fears became oddly routine and had started to really inhibit the new life I had been given. The gratitude of being a survivor x2 was being swallowed whole by the lingering fears of "What If?".  Even now, some of the roots of those old fears like to rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune moments. Thankfully, I was and still am so blessed to have an incredible community of people who continually lavished grace and patience on me as I worked through my grief and fear and hesitancy on my own time and my own terms. It took great grace and incredible wisdom from my family to remind me that the God who had just brought me through hell was not going to give up on me and would continue to be with me. I still had a purpose and an ordained a life to live. Furthermore, I had a daughter that needed me to set an example. I needed to be brave, to thrive, and to hold fast to my faith in El Roi because she was watching and learning these lessons too. 

    So here I am, nine years later, a little less fearful, a lot less naive, a lot more empathetic, a lot more gracious, and infinitely more brave than I would have ever imagined. I feel humble and amazed that God continues to show up and redeem that awful time in my life. I am privileged to stand in that cancer gap for people praying, supporting, and believing because I have endured it ALL. I can grieve and lament because I too have sat in the depths of despair. I can speak truth over people because I know how the balm of truth can heal a scarred soul. So cheers to another year of perfectly, imperfectly living this blessed life!!

"9" is Freaking Fine!!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

What a Decade Means For Me...

Today is a day that truly lives in infamy in our house. A day that felt like it sent us to the depths of some type of unimaginable hell from which all hope seemed to be fading. Today is a day that changed the entire course of my life... 10 years, 120 months, 521.4 weeks, or 3,650 days ago, I moved from being just another inhabitant on this earth to becoming a fighter and survivor and walking miracle. In an instant, my life went from the role of a stereotypical, mediocre girl to the biggest enigma still spoken about in whispers down the sterile, white, hospital halls. My name has moved beyond simplicity to one with sub-titles of "Oh you're the one" and "Man, I can't believe you made it through all of that". Ten years ago, I went from being a nurse to becoming a complicated, pregnant, cancer patient. I went from living and loving my own life to scheduling doctors appts four days a week and carrying my own IV bags wherever I went. Ten years ago, I became my own worst nightmare. Even saying the words, bring back so many fears and emotions. In some ways, it seems like yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime ago or even someone else's life. I still feel like I am living the lives of Job and Israel all rolled into one. I still feel and deal with so many repercussions from this awful disease. I occasionally struggle retelling this story because the weight of it and the pity that at times comes is exhausting, but I carry on because death and disease and evil will not win. Goodness, grace, hope and inspiration, that hopefully come thru this, need to continue so that my pain and anguish will not have been in vain. So now, ten years later, I am still taking time to remember and reflect because I do not want to forget how good God is. I do not want to forget that even though life is still taking turns I am not thrilled with or even understand, God is still moving and working. I do not want to forget that this new body of mine, although uber frustrating and disappointing, is also one that has survived birth and brushes with death. It has lived several lifetimes in this short decade. Rather, I want to remember all of the ways He fulfilled Joel 2:25 in my life. I want to remember that I am still here and have a purpose to fulfill.
Therefore, while remembering my past storm and am in the middle of a different storm in my life, I will still say that God is good, faithful, and still God.

I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies
I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody
I raise a hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me

I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!

~~~Bethel Music~~~

To those who were present for the hellish season and stepped up in incredible ways, I am blessed by you and am eternally grateful for you.
To those who have never met me but stood in the gap for me anyways, I am humbled and thankful for you too.
To those in my life (there are too many to name) who have been there for all of us, from the first phone call and Facebook post and are still active in my life, I love you and thank God for you. Thank you for showing up in every possible way. Thank you for your faithfulness and endurance. Thank you for the grace you gave as we blindly stumbled through the darkest valley of our lives. Thank you for opening my eyes to see what it means to be the Church and to be the hands and feet of Christ. Thank you for continuing to love and support me and my family as we are continuing to learn how to live post cancer and post great grief.

All of you are the silver lining to my story, the proof of God working in my life. 

Phil 1:3 I thank my God every time I remember you.

Here is to hoping that this next decade will have more hills than valleys and more joy than pain.💗

A Winshield and a Rearview Mirror

Christmas 2009

Ringing in 2020 brought in a flood of emotions and ponderings that left me in a battle of trying to forget and also willing myself to remember.  Ten years ago I walked into a new year hopeful, excited, naive, unscathed, and sicker than humanly imaginable trying to grow a human being. I entered 2020 a shell of the woman I once was. The month of December itself was an intricate display of the juxtaposition between beautiful family celebrations and expectations against the harsh realities of eternity, mortality, and disappointments.  Pretty it was not, but redemptive it is. The amount of growth that has come these last 10 years is more than some people experience in an entire lifetime, and the evidence of this story can be seen by my crows feet, stretch marks, battle scars, and pants label.

2010 brought me a life changing diagnosis and a beautiful baby girl.

2015 brought me to my knees as my world seemingly crashed all around me and also gave me an incredible tribe of women to do life with.

2017 brought me an adorable niece wrapped in a silver lining.

2019 brought me some new family members and the chance to fill my soul while traveling the globe. It was also the year that I put action behind my goal to be more intentional with friends, and boy, was it worth it.      

Christmas 2019

As I look toward this new year and new decade, I hope and pray that this scarred warrior will not live anymore by past labels and hurts, but by the truth of who she is and who she belongs to. I pray that she finds her steadfast footing. I pray she can learn to rest and abide in the One who is working all things out for her. I pray she continues on her path as a cheerleader and truth wielder. 

Here's to having a great 2020 with the eyesight to match!!

A highlight reel of my 2019:

There were piano performances, school recitals, first time things, dress up days, birthdays, anniversaries, dog dying, new friends, new family members, a beautiful wedding, family outings, hospital stays, and trips around the globe. There were hills and valleys and all that is crazy in between. 2019 was definitely a year for the books. (WARNING: Picture overload and chaotic formatting.😁)

 
 

           

                   

"8" is GREAT!!! Happy 8th BMT Anniversary to me!!

Throughout my entire Lymphoma journey from diagnosis, to treatment, to my BMT, and to the recovery that followed, music has been an important tether for me. It has helped me to put words to the deepest cries of my heart and to bring prayers to my mind when I was struggling to survive. Recently, the song "Scars" by I AM THEY has deeply resonated in my soul, and I feel like it speaks to this particular place in my life. 

Waking up to a new sunrise

Looking back from the other side

I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain

I wouldn't trade it for anything

Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I'm standing in confidence

With the strength of Your faithfulness

And I'm not who I was before

No, I don't have to fear anymore

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, In Your feet

I found my victory

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, In Your feet

I found my victory

I'm thankful for Your scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And with my life I'll tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful

I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

So forever I am thankful for the scars

I have to say that looking back, if given the choice, I probably would not choose to go back to that horrible, awful, excruciating day eight years ago as I cried and heaved and howled for my life. Nor would I wish it on my worst enemy, it was so bad. Overall, it was definitely not the life I had wished for or imagined. However, the resulting scars both visible and invisible are starting to not appear as marks of shame but are now proof of the strong and courageous road I have had to endure. It is these scars that give weight to my words and help to remind me of the faithfulness of God. It is these scars that have given me a superpower that I did not know existed. With them, I have the power and authority to speak into the pain and heartache of the people around me. I know firsthand the grief and frustration of seeing your dreams fade into something completely different. I can speak to the questions of whether I would ever feel good again, would this pain ever cease, and where the heck is God in all of this. I also have struggled through some dark avenues of depression wondering if life would ever hold any more joy. So with these imperfect and oddly shaped scars and my long journey of experience, I can boldly say "Sweet friend, I see you, and I get it". I can walk this journey next to you and cheer you on and hold up your arms when the battle won't stop raging. I can sit with you in the quietness and the tears, and I can speak truth over you when the world is swirling around. With these scars, I am able.

So now with 8 turns around the sun that have come and gone, I can really pay it forward, the grace and mercy I was given to live this life, and live it to the full. Now, I am far from perfect. My eyes sometimes stray from the truth, and I look at myself in the mirror with regret and distaste. I see my scars and think "Why me?". So this next year as I celebrate my health, it is the prayer of my heart that I see the gratitude behind those scraggly marks and that I have eyes to really see the hurt and the heart of those around me. 

Happy 8th New Birthday to ME!!!

https://youtu.be/OqjGT9BSyJA for your viewing pleasure the music video for the song.😍