Year 8

February 22nd continues it's tradition to be a day that forces me to look for the good, for silver linings, and to see God's handprint on my life. It started out a beautiful day having breakfast with a good friend and snuggling with my niece as she turned six months old. It turned into an awful one with me involved in a 5 car pile up half a mile from my house. This particular day just added to the mess heap that was the last two months of utter chaos and stress. So today, in the face of physical and emotional hurt,  I will do what I know to do-  I go back to what I know and not what I feel. God is good and faithful and still God. Today, his angels kept Tamzin perfectly safe and allowed me to walk away with only minor injuries and soreness. God's mercy flowed over me as the driver in front of me was kind and thoughtful and utterly gracious. A stranger then opened his home so I could take care of some personal needs and he offered to call someone and get me some water... hello kindness. I found more kindness in the ladies at the doctors office who first took the time to see if  I was ok before moving on to the business side of things. God's faithfulness came thru as He made it possible that Clay should still be home from work and able to come pick us up. His goodness was revealed by providing insurance to cover some of the finances  (a good reminder to be thankful when that monthly bill comes around). His amazing awesomeness gave me goosebumps as my daughter asked if she could ask her teacher and her friend to pray for me. Finally, God showed off by giving me the best family a girl could hope for to love on me, take care of me, and to pick up my slack as I recover.  He also gave me an incredible tribe of people who stand in the gap for me and overwhelm my heart with gratitude.
So on this 8th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, I will not tell God how big my storm is, but I will tell my storm how big my God is. I will pour out kindness even when it is not reciprocated. I will live my life with my palms up and my arms open wide. God you are good and your mercy endures forever.

Similar view 2010 & 2018

My Constellation 2017

Today is an anniversary of sorts. It is mostly unknown to those around me, yet it marks the spot of some very dark valleys I have had to wander thru. This past year definitely had it's share of times so dark, it literally had me on my knees wailing. Someone once said that it is in the darkest night, the stars shine their brightest. These little glimmers of light are essential to giving us hope that there is something beyond these dark nights, that there is good even in the midst of the bad. This past year like so many in the past God has been gracious in giving me glimpses of hope as I wait, almost, patiently for a miracle and for redemption. He has given me my own constellation of good moments and some moments of pure holiness that I will never forget. 

Some of these moments came in the most unlikely places and in the hands of some unlikely people. For instance, I was blown away when God chose to use a class of little second graders to draw me closer to His heart. These little people had written letters to my deployed husband and his unit and they wanted to not only pray over those letters but also over Nevaeh and I. (I am getting goosebumps and tears even as I am writing this post). Seeing their pure faith released as they laid hands on us and lifted up their simple yet profound prayers was both inspiring and humbling. If there ever was a holy moment, this was it. It made me want to take off my shoes and lay prostrate on the ground in reverance. Another moment came after a game night out with some of my closest lady friends. We had a great night filled with loud laughs and great food and amazing fellowship. It was the kind of night that just filled my empty cup. As the night was drawing to an end, one of our own shared some devastating news that rocked us all to the core. Even after a fun night of crazy laughter, these ladies did not hesitate to come over to hug and cry and surround us with prayer. I firmly believe that God orchestrated all the details of that girl's night to be the perfect place to share some hard things, and I also firmly believe that God created us to be a community, to be a part of a tribe, to do everyday life with those around us. To those in my tribes, I am truly blessed because of all of you.

 Another star moment this past year was when I went to the local IF:Gathering. I went not knowing a soul and having never gone before. This was a step way out of my comfort zone, but one I needed to take. I needed a God- moment. I needed a spiritual refreshing, and this was so much more. As I was hanging around the registration desk looking lost, I was graciously invited to sit with a small group of ladies so I would not have to sit alone. It was amazing. It was like doing church New Testament style. We broke bread together, we worshiped together, and we shared our struggles together. I can't even begin to describe how awesome this experience was or tell why it was life changing, but it was. It was a moment where I could literally feel a hug from heaven and a wave of pure grace flowing over me. Finally, my most recent moment of hope has come thru my beautiful niece Tamzin. She is adorable and hilarious and so easy to take care of. I get the supreme pleasure of getting to be her nanny 3 days a week. Its like the best of both worlds, getting in my snuggles and still getting to sleep at night. She is also my silver lining. When my daughter was born, I was deathly ill. Even after several months post chemo, I did not have the stamina or strength to really take care of her. I missed out on a lot of bonding time and baby snuggles because I was just too sick. I grieved a lot over the things I missed, and still sometimes grieve today. Yet,through it all I have held onto the verse in Joel 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...". This is an "aha" moment. It is as though God is redeeming that time and treasure lost with Nevaeh by caring for Tamzin. It's not a miracle I was expecting, but one I am so grateful for.

These stories are just a glimpse of my stellar constellation. These are some of the moments that I cling to when my dark nights return. These are the moments I want to rejoice in, and these are the moments I want to share to give hope. So here's to hoping and believing and trusting that 2018 is going to be even more magnanimous.

Now here is a picture recap of 2017:

 

 

 

June 14, 2017 = 6 years post BMT

This year, this milestone feels different, looks different, and is definitely not where I thought I would be. As I was looking back in February, on the 7th anniversary of my diagnosis, I feel like I have taken steps backwards in these short couple of months. I feel like I have nothing inspiring or revolutionary to share this go around. All I have to offer you, my friends, is a raw, tired, and vulnerable heart spilled out into words. This post is asking for grace from myself to write it and grace from those few who read it...

Six years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room surrounded by my immediate family crying and praying over me, as I tried very hard not to vomit the creamed corn scented marrow I was being injected with, all over them. Just thinking about it kind of turns my stomach still. I was a mess, weak and frail, and exhausted in every way. I was so ready to be done fighting, ready to put the whole nightmare behind me. Some days, I honestly did not know if I was going to make it. Life felt unfair, and I went through the whole grieving process several times a day. Now six years later, some things remain the same. I think I am more of a hot mess these days, if I am truly honest. Life still seems unfair, and my spirit is exhausted from fighting some major spiritual battles and some intense personal ones. I am ready to be done fighting. I am ready for my redemption, my silver linings. I am ready to see the fruits of the hope I have placed in Jesus. Lately, though, my prayers seem to vanish in the wind. Yet, I keep plodding forward because it is the only choice I have, and I do know deep down where my hope lies. My hope is in Christ ALONE, and sometimes my head needs to be reminded of that. Today was one of those days. I am battling the uncertainty of what next step to take and how far I can bend before I break. This day should be one overflowing with gratitude and grace, and instead, I am trying to find the place "where fear has to face the God you know" (Casting Crowns). Today, I was reminded to be like Daniel, who in the face of fear, continued on doing what he knew was right. He continued to pray in public three times a day, even though he knew it led to being the dinner plate of ferocious lions because that is what God called him to do. So, here's to being more like Daniel, having faith in spite of the fear. Here's to waking up to new mercies every day and the gratitude that comes from it. Finally, here's to El Roi the God who sees me in this place and in this moment and still remains faithful. Happy 6th re-birthday to me!

Two of the women who keep me smiling

Totally fan-girling in Karen Kingsbury's bus

Seven Going on Eight...

Oprah Winfrey once said "Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." Yes let's cheers. Cheers to today. Cheers to the fact that I have reached 7 years post diagnosis. Cheers to finally being able to forget some of the intensity of the horror that once was. Cheers to being able to see the beauty from ashes that God continues to bring about.

This past year has had more valleys than peaks, more sadness than joy. I didn't know that I could reach such a hellacious low that would almost rival cancer, but I did. So I did what I could do and pulled a Jacob. I wrestled with God over the whys, what ifs, and how comes. I wrestled with the injustice of suffering because of other's choices. I wrestled mostly with feeling like Job and wondering why me Lord. I finally turned a corner and went back to my mantra that "God is good, faithful, and still God". If I believe that God is faithful, then I have to trust that He is faithful in ALL things. He knows the desires of my heart, and He is able to do imaginably more than I could ever hope for. I have to trust that His plans for me are perfect. So, He has called me to have faith like Abraham, waiting and patiently trusting. He has also reminded me that He is the God of Redemption, Haggo'el, that no problem is outside of His realm of help and complete healing. So here I am, one hot mess with so many more scars and several unknowns in front of me, toasting to another new "year" start. Cheers to another year of being cancer free. Cheers to another 7 years of living this crazy, wonderful life. Cheers to another chance to celebrate my miracle, spitfire of a daughter. Cheers to living this year wrapped in hope. Cheers to learning and then replicating a life of loving others well. Finally, Cheers to the people, my tribe, who make this life worthwhile. 

Happy 7th day of Rememberance for me!!! 

5 Years and Still Counting

Five years....a lifetime ago it seems. Today, my Timehop made my heart beat as I saw just how much my baby has grown these past 1,827 days. Sometimes it feels like my bone marrow transplant was just a horrid nightmare, and then I look down at my scars and the state of my physical body and know that it was, in fact, a harsh reality. To me, this day is more than just Flag Day. It is my new year, remembering why I am here and what I can do with this sacred life. This past year or so has really made me question why and to wonder what role I am serving here. I know that there is something for me to do, a purpose for which to attain but know not of what that entails. On the one hand, I am still so thankful to be alive, but yet I still crave and cry out in anguish for God to show me more silver linings to help me validate the whole hellish ordeal. I think I am antsy because I feel like I now have the stamina needed to accomplish my big dreams and high hopes, but as I wait I have become vulnerable to the attacks of Satan. He keeps trying to fill me with fear and severe doubt. Clearly, nothing ever seems to go as I would expect it to go (which Satan so eloquently reminds me of), so again I am having to go back to what I do KNOW in my heart that God is still God. Since I have been witness to his bountiful grace I am remembering that I can trust in His perfect timing and plan. Therefore, I wait because I want to be used by Him in enormous ways.  My heart's new mantra has been "Here I am Lord. Pick Me.". So, I have been waiting, sometimes not so patiently, to see Him move. This year has finally made me realize that it is ok to hold onto these big dreams because I cling to a Big God. I am learning to take better care of me and to better protect my heart. I am learning that I have worth and something to contribute, even if those around me might not see it, and also that through Him I have an incredible strength that I did not know existed. My story is His story, and I am commissioned to share that story. So I continue to tell it, to use my gifts to bring glory to the God of miracles, the author of grace and hope, and my El Roi.
To my tribe, my family, pictured on that canvas behind me in the picture, this story would not be as awesome without you in it. It has been your incredible and persistent love and support that has gotten me through the fires these last five years. Truly, you all are my silver lining. Here's to the next five years and beyond to a life full of fun and adventure and wonder and each other.

My MOPS Journey VOL 1

I am about to graduate MOPS this coming week with the final bow before the curtain closes at my last meeting on Tuesday. My heart kind of aches and tears roll down my face as I think about moving on. Truth be told, part of my ache is the fear that I will be forgotten or left behind. It sounds crazy I know, but I also know that life gets busy and it becomes harder to journey with people who are not always in sight. I feel like people on the outside of this wonderful institution don't understand what a big deal this is, at least for me. All they see is a mom's group used as an excuse to make it out of the house. Well, it is that, but it is so much more than that. MOPS is life and breath and food for the body and the soul. It is hope, and it is Jesus in every sense of the word. This group has become part of the very fiber of who I am and what I stand for.  I cannot imagine what my life would be like without it. I have my cousin Nicole Fast to thank for this crazy ride. 

Five and a half years ago, I was fresh off of the chemo and radiation boat with a new preemie to take care of. I had heard about MOPS, but had no idea you could join when you had little babies. So she invited me, and I anxiously said yes. I was so nervous because I desperately needed friends, but at the same time I was so intimidated by this huge room full of ladies who all knew each other. I sat down with Nicole and met an incredible lady, Jeanie, who would become my DGL the next month. I was instantly hooked, not because of anything extraordinarily awesome but because it made my cup runneth over. After a handful of meetings, I truly started to experience the blessings of being part of this MOPS group. I witnessed first hand what it means to really be the hands and feet of Jesus. As I was facing the biggest fight of my life, these super-mamas, who barely knew me were signing up to bring food, gifts, and prayers to my family that we might have the sustenance to make it thru another day of life with cancer and a bone marrow transplant.  MOPS was also the place where I found some of the best in-the-trenches friends who see the ugly, messy vulnerable side and still want to journey with me to laugh about it on the other side. Through MOPS, I have found a well-spring of grace that allows me to find rest without guilt, and pulls me into the arms of the Almighty when I KNOW that my parenting skills are less than awesome. I have also found the joy of doing life together that culminates with 8-10 ladies around a sticky craft table all devouring a hot egg casserole and trying to match paint colors. Most importantly, MOPS has shown me how to be a better leader by serving and that sometimes the leadership road isn't always the most popular one but one I am called to still. Overall, I have learned how to better walk my walk with Christ. Now, it is my prayer that as I leave through those doors as a MOPS graduate that I truly am a better wife, mother, friend, leader, and daughter of the King. 

So after three years of doing Hospitality/DGL and two years of co-coordinating, I have to say a "See ya later". To all of you who are in my group today, for all of you who have been at my tables, and to those who have served and labored with love at my side, I say thank you. Thanks for all of  the love, hugs, memories, and prayers.  "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13 Never forget that Columbine MOPS is forever written on my heart, and to Nicole, I owe you big time for opening the door to this life-giving endeavor.

So long and farewell to being a MOPS mama and hello to being a Ministry Coach.

                                             

A Beautiful Mess

This title could not be more perfect to describe my life this past year (thanks MOPS International for the idea), as evidenced by the fact that it's almost 2 months into a new year and nary a blog post has been written. 2015 started with such high hopes and great goals: Me turning 30, going to Momcon, Nevaeh turning five, starting kindergarten, first haircut and dentist visit and all of the staycations during the year. Now looking back...

 

 "As the year [2014] came to a close, I was and still am overwhelmed by feelings of change which have a small tail of fear attached to it. I keep getting this sense that my new normal that I have come to know and love is going to be different. In my heart, 2014 was the end of a distinct chapter, and 2015 is going to be another roller-coaster. There is urgency to love more, hug more, appreciate more, say more nice things, and to record more of life's little moments. I know this is not reinventing the wheel, but it feels like our time is shorter than ever."

 

This is what I wrote at the beginning of last year. Who knew that the tugging in my spirit would bring such a sad truth to my life. My new normal does not exist anymore. Most of what I knew of the world, shattered with just a few emails. I was brought to a depth of sorrow that literally rivaled my years of battling cancer. I went through the phases of grief like they were old friends. I again had to face the questions of "Why me God?". I thought I had learned my lessons and that now I could just wait for God to reveal the silver lining that I had been hoping for.  Instead, I have been broken to my very core, and been made vulnerable to an onslaught of Satan's lying arrows. 2015 has been a year that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but as with most things, great blessings have sprung from the depths of adversity. I have learned to be careful what I have wished for:). I have consistently desired a deeper relationship with God, and now I have it. He remained faithful even as my world dissolved away. He has given me the answers I needed when everyone else around me had no words to say. I have learned that it takes bravery to ask for help, and that I am braver than I knew. I have learned to be more like Christ. He is the very picture of grace, yet was never a doormat for the world to take advantage of. Most of all, I have learned that my places in life do not define me. I am first and foremost a daughter of the Most High God. I have been called to a plan and a purpose. My circumstances, if they change, will not deter me from the ministry I have been given. I need not be afraid of what is to come because El Roi sees me right where I am and Jehovah Jireh will provide for my needs.

My heart is heavy even as I write these words because I know that it is far easier to write them for the world than it is to cling to them in the valleys of sorrow. My heart is heavier still because of what today is. Today is the 6th anniversary of my diagnosis, and it was a Monday no less. I cannot hardly believe that so much time has passed. On this day, I have friends who are doing a similar battle with chemo drugs, and I am doing battle for a huge part of my life that I want to thrive and flourish (not my health for those who are concerned). I am battling against Satan who is telling me that I am alone and that I am not worth the joy that I seek. I am battling a culture and people who are telling me that I am crazy for settings standards and weak for seeking solace in boundaries. It is crazy how the times and dreams change. I used to think that by now, I would at least be pregnant with our second child or maybe have started some kind of job. I thought I would be healthier, more organized, and definitely caught up on my scrapbooking. Yet, here I am blundering through a mess and trying to recoup the joy in things that used to fill my cup. So here I sit, a beautiful mess, stronger than I was and more scarred than I thought was possible. In this mess I choose to fight back with joy, live in love, and walk in grace (thanks Margaret Feinberg and Bob Goff), and I apologize in advance for the probable overuse of my buzz phrases. So here is to another year of a crazy beautiful mess I call life.

2010 vs 2016

 

Just for kicks and giggles here is a some highlights of my 2015: