5 Years and Still Counting

Five years....a lifetime ago it seems. Today, my Timehop made my heart beat as I saw just how much my baby has grown these past 1,827 days. Sometimes it feels like my bone marrow transplant was just a horrid nightmare, and then I look down at my scars and the state of my physical body and know that it was, in fact, a harsh reality. To me, this day is more than just Flag Day. It is my new year, remembering why I am here and what I can do with this sacred life. This past year or so has really made me question why and to wonder what role I am serving here. I know that there is something for me to do, a purpose for which to attain but know not of what that entails. On the one hand, I am still so thankful to be alive, but yet I still crave and cry out in anguish for God to show me more silver linings to help me validate the whole hellish ordeal. I think I am antsy because I feel like I now have the stamina needed to accomplish my big dreams and high hopes, but as I wait I have become vulnerable to the attacks of Satan. He keeps trying to fill me with fear and severe doubt. Clearly, nothing ever seems to go as I would expect it to go (which Satan so eloquently reminds me of), so again I am having to go back to what I do KNOW in my heart that God is still God. Since I have been witness to his bountiful grace I am remembering that I can trust in His perfect timing and plan. Therefore, I wait because I want to be used by Him in enormous ways.  My heart's new mantra has been "Here I am Lord. Pick Me.". So, I have been waiting, sometimes not so patiently, to see Him move. This year has finally made me realize that it is ok to hold onto these big dreams because I cling to a Big God. I am learning to take better care of me and to better protect my heart. I am learning that I have worth and something to contribute, even if those around me might not see it, and also that through Him I have an incredible strength that I did not know existed. My story is His story, and I am commissioned to share that story. So I continue to tell it, to use my gifts to bring glory to the God of miracles, the author of grace and hope, and my El Roi.
To my tribe, my family, pictured on that canvas behind me in the picture, this story would not be as awesome without you in it. It has been your incredible and persistent love and support that has gotten me through the fires these last five years. Truly, you all are my silver lining. Here's to the next five years and beyond to a life full of fun and adventure and wonder and each other.

My MOPS Journey VOL 1

I am about to graduate MOPS this coming week with the final bow before the curtain closes at my last meeting on Tuesday. My heart kind of aches and tears roll down my face as I think about moving on. Truth be told, part of my ache is the fear that I will be forgotten or left behind. It sounds crazy I know, but I also know that life gets busy and it becomes harder to journey with people who are not always in sight. I feel like people on the outside of this wonderful institution don't understand what a big deal this is, at least for me. All they see is a mom's group used as an excuse to make it out of the house. Well, it is that, but it is so much more than that. MOPS is life and breath and food for the body and the soul. It is hope, and it is Jesus in every sense of the word. This group has become part of the very fiber of who I am and what I stand for.  I cannot imagine what my life would be like without it. I have my cousin Nicole Fast to thank for this crazy ride. 

Five and a half years ago, I was fresh off of the chemo and radiation boat with a new preemie to take care of. I had heard about MOPS, but had no idea you could join when you had little babies. So she invited me, and I anxiously said yes. I was so nervous because I desperately needed friends, but at the same time I was so intimidated by this huge room full of ladies who all knew each other. I sat down with Nicole and met an incredible lady, Jeanie, who would become my DGL the next month. I was instantly hooked, not because of anything extraordinarily awesome but because it made my cup runneth over. After a handful of meetings, I truly started to experience the blessings of being part of this MOPS group. I witnessed first hand what it means to really be the hands and feet of Jesus. As I was facing the biggest fight of my life, these super-mamas, who barely knew me were signing up to bring food, gifts, and prayers to my family that we might have the sustenance to make it thru another day of life with cancer and a bone marrow transplant.  MOPS was also the place where I found some of the best in-the-trenches friends who see the ugly, messy vulnerable side and still want to journey with me to laugh about it on the other side. Through MOPS, I have found a well-spring of grace that allows me to find rest without guilt, and pulls me into the arms of the Almighty when I KNOW that my parenting skills are less than awesome. I have also found the joy of doing life together that culminates with 8-10 ladies around a sticky craft table all devouring a hot egg casserole and trying to match paint colors. Most importantly, MOPS has shown me how to be a better leader by serving and that sometimes the leadership road isn't always the most popular one but one I am called to still. Overall, I have learned how to better walk my walk with Christ. Now, it is my prayer that as I leave through those doors as a MOPS graduate that I truly am a better wife, mother, friend, leader, and daughter of the King. 

So after three years of doing Hospitality/DGL and two years of co-coordinating, I have to say a "See ya later". To all of you who are in my group today, for all of you who have been at my tables, and to those who have served and labored with love at my side, I say thank you. Thanks for all of  the love, hugs, memories, and prayers.  "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13 Never forget that Columbine MOPS is forever written on my heart, and to Nicole, I owe you big time for opening the door to this life-giving endeavor.

So long and farewell to being a MOPS mama and hello to being a Ministry Coach.

                                             

A Beautiful Mess

This title could not be more perfect to describe my life this past year (thanks MOPS International for the idea), as evidenced by the fact that it's almost 2 months into a new year and nary a blog post has been written. 2015 started with such high hopes and great goals: Me turning 30, going to Momcon, Nevaeh turning five, starting kindergarten, first haircut and dentist visit and all of the staycations during the year. Now looking back...

 

 "As the year [2014] came to a close, I was and still am overwhelmed by feelings of change which have a small tail of fear attached to it. I keep getting this sense that my new normal that I have come to know and love is going to be different. In my heart, 2014 was the end of a distinct chapter, and 2015 is going to be another roller-coaster. There is urgency to love more, hug more, appreciate more, say more nice things, and to record more of life's little moments. I know this is not reinventing the wheel, but it feels like our time is shorter than ever."

 

This is what I wrote at the beginning of last year. Who knew that the tugging in my spirit would bring such a sad truth to my life. My new normal does not exist anymore. Most of what I knew of the world, shattered with just a few emails. I was brought to a depth of sorrow that literally rivaled my years of battling cancer. I went through the phases of grief like they were old friends. I again had to face the questions of "Why me God?". I thought I had learned my lessons and that now I could just wait for God to reveal the silver lining that I had been hoping for.  Instead, I have been broken to my very core, and been made vulnerable to an onslaught of Satan's lying arrows. 2015 has been a year that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but as with most things, great blessings have sprung from the depths of adversity. I have learned to be careful what I have wished for:). I have consistently desired a deeper relationship with God, and now I have it. He remained faithful even as my world dissolved away. He has given me the answers I needed when everyone else around me had no words to say. I have learned that it takes bravery to ask for help, and that I am braver than I knew. I have learned to be more like Christ. He is the very picture of grace, yet was never a doormat for the world to take advantage of. Most of all, I have learned that my places in life do not define me. I am first and foremost a daughter of the Most High God. I have been called to a plan and a purpose. My circumstances, if they change, will not deter me from the ministry I have been given. I need not be afraid of what is to come because El Roi sees me right where I am and Jehovah Jireh will provide for my needs.

My heart is heavy even as I write these words because I know that it is far easier to write them for the world than it is to cling to them in the valleys of sorrow. My heart is heavier still because of what today is. Today is the 6th anniversary of my diagnosis, and it was a Monday no less. I cannot hardly believe that so much time has passed. On this day, I have friends who are doing a similar battle with chemo drugs, and I am doing battle for a huge part of my life that I want to thrive and flourish (not my health for those who are concerned). I am battling against Satan who is telling me that I am alone and that I am not worth the joy that I seek. I am battling a culture and people who are telling me that I am crazy for settings standards and weak for seeking solace in boundaries. It is crazy how the times and dreams change. I used to think that by now, I would at least be pregnant with our second child or maybe have started some kind of job. I thought I would be healthier, more organized, and definitely caught up on my scrapbooking. Yet, here I am blundering through a mess and trying to recoup the joy in things that used to fill my cup. So here I sit, a beautiful mess, stronger than I was and more scarred than I thought was possible. In this mess I choose to fight back with joy, live in love, and walk in grace (thanks Margaret Feinberg and Bob Goff), and I apologize in advance for the probable overuse of my buzz phrases. So here is to another year of a crazy beautiful mess I call life.

2010 vs 2016

 

Just for kicks and giggles here is a some highlights of my 2015: