This title could not be more perfect to describe my life this past year (thanks MOPS International for the idea), as evidenced by the fact that it's almost 2 months into a new year and nary a blog post has been written. 2015 started with such high hopes and great goals: Me turning 30, going to Momcon, Nevaeh turning five, starting kindergarten, first haircut and dentist visit and all of the staycations during the year. Now looking back...
"As the year [2014] came to a close, I was and still am overwhelmed by feelings of change which have a small tail of fear attached to it. I keep getting this sense that my new normal that I have come to know and love is going to be different. In my heart, 2014 was the end of a distinct chapter, and 2015 is going to be another roller-coaster. There is urgency to love more, hug more, appreciate more, say more nice things, and to record more of life's little moments. I know this is not reinventing the wheel, but it feels like our time is shorter than ever."
This is what I wrote at the beginning of last year. Who knew that the tugging in my spirit would bring such a sad truth to my life. My new normal does not exist anymore. Most of what I knew of the world, shattered with just a few emails. I was brought to a depth of sorrow that literally rivaled my years of battling cancer. I went through the phases of grief like they were old friends. I again had to face the questions of "Why me God?". I thought I had learned my lessons and that now I could just wait for God to reveal the silver lining that I had been hoping for. Instead, I have been broken to my very core, and been made vulnerable to an onslaught of Satan's lying arrows. 2015 has been a year that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but as with most things, great blessings have sprung from the depths of adversity. I have learned to be careful what I have wished for:). I have consistently desired a deeper relationship with God, and now I have it. He remained faithful even as my world dissolved away. He has given me the answers I needed when everyone else around me had no words to say. I have learned that it takes bravery to ask for help, and that I am braver than I knew. I have learned to be more like Christ. He is the very picture of grace, yet was never a doormat for the world to take advantage of. Most of all, I have learned that my places in life do not define me. I am first and foremost a daughter of the Most High God. I have been called to a plan and a purpose. My circumstances, if they change, will not deter me from the ministry I have been given. I need not be afraid of what is to come because El Roi sees me right where I am and Jehovah Jireh will provide for my needs.
My heart is heavy even as I write these words because I know that it is far easier to write them for the world than it is to cling to them in the valleys of sorrow. My heart is heavier still because of what today is. Today is the 6th anniversary of my diagnosis, and it was a Monday no less. I cannot hardly believe that so much time has passed. On this day, I have friends who are doing a similar battle with chemo drugs, and I am doing battle for a huge part of my life that I want to thrive and flourish (not my health for those who are concerned). I am battling against Satan who is telling me that I am alone and that I am not worth the joy that I seek. I am battling a culture and people who are telling me that I am crazy for settings standards and weak for seeking solace in boundaries. It is crazy how the times and dreams change. I used to think that by now, I would at least be pregnant with our second child or maybe have started some kind of job. I thought I would be healthier, more organized, and definitely caught up on my scrapbooking. Yet, here I am blundering through a mess and trying to recoup the joy in things that used to fill my cup. So here I sit, a beautiful mess, stronger than I was and more scarred than I thought was possible. In this mess I choose to fight back with joy, live in love, and walk in grace (thanks Margaret Feinberg and Bob Goff), and I apologize in advance for the probable overuse of my buzz phrases. So here is to another year of a crazy beautiful mess I call life.
2010 vs 2016
Just for kicks and giggles here is a some highlights of my 2015:
