Well, today marks another "Dash", the end of an era, so to speak. Fourteen years ago, I stood on the cusp of a life long dream, about to take on a role, I felt destined to be in. I was going from Miss to Mrs, and I was thrilled. This was a dream of mine, and I was fully confident that the love and faith I had would carry through any heartache that would or could come our way. Obviously, it was not enough. Reaching fourteen years, you feel like maybe you've got this handled, especially since we had already lived a lifetime in those years. We had maneuvered through sickness and health, life and death, babies, discord, the seven year "itch", the decade milestone and everything else in between. I had done everything I knew to do to save and salvage until I had nothing left to give. Now fourteen years later, I am teetering on the cusp of something else, feeling angry and scared and rejected. Today is hard and hard to process. I am floundering in No-Mans-Land. I am alone but not fully and finally divorced. I am stepping in freedom, but still hurting from all that has been lost and crushed. I have a miniscule hope for a bright future, but am still wallowing in a past that defined me, shook me, broke me and built me. I feel like I have been ripped open and all that I thought I was is gone, including a lot of my identity. Things that are inherently me and that I hold dear are now fragile and fearful. So today, I am having to face the ache that a broken anniversary brings. Today is a day to wonder why and why me. Today is my day to prove to myself that I can do hard things. Today is my day to be ok with not being ok. Today is my day to bravely let friends inside to see my hurting and vulnerable heart and let them whisper balmy words over my open wounds. Today is a day to push myself one more step ahead.
For all of you that gave me the space and grace to grieve today, for all of you that stood in the gap for me, and for all of you that remain in my corner, this weary heart is grateful for you and for being seen and understood today.
