Honestly, as I sat down to write today, waves of doubt started assaulting my mind. I wonder if people reading this are starting to hear the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoons. "wah wah wah...". I wonder if the select few that open this post up are getting so tired of reading about this spiritual roller-coaster that is my life. I wonder if my words carry any weight or inspiration. So, I'm pulling up my big girl pants and telling myself that this is my God-given story. This is my Ebeneezer, and a way to see God's fingerprints covering each scene of my life. Therefore, I will continue to write and pour my heart out in a wave of vulnerability.
As I was looking back over the last year and over the previous posts written, I can finally see that I have reached a new plateau, which is a bittersweet thing. I am better than I was even five months ago, but still not quite where I would like to be. I have proven that I have what it takes to stand with my scars and my hurts and I can praise God that these dark valleys are never permanent. This last year has been a year of learning what complete surrender looks like and how to lay down fast-held dreams. It's been a year of still struggling to learn who I am and what I am worth. It's been a year of realizing my silver linings may come in ways I never expected. It is also the year, I found a strength I never knew existed and that I can say with confidence "Not today Satan! I will not break.". The holes that suffering gouged out of my heart these past several years are now filled with pools of compassion and grace. I find myself open to new possibilities, new gifts, and new dreams. I have felt the beginnings a of new chapter starting to bud in my spirit, which has been quite the surprise. I have been able to establish new connections with people like never before, and have found unique ways to be a blessing to them. I have learned what it takes to forgive and to show mercy. Finally, I have been reminded over and over again that we were all made for community. Life is better when lived within a tribe who gets you and does real life with you. In a world of social media, separating all of us behind divisional lines and screens, my heart is full knowing that I have been blessed by many different circles of friends. These circles are the ones that have held me in my ugliness, dried my tears of desperation, and showed me the glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel. These are the people that have helped me find my way onto this plateau. I have no idea where that leads me going forward or what this next year might look like now that hope springs eternal. So I go with a quote by Tim Tebow that states "I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future". So Happy 7th BMT re-birthday to me. Here is to hoping that next year will be the best year ever, and that I will be a better version of myself.
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| My love and laughter, my Sweet Pea |
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| My Sugar Bear |
