Ninety-two days. That is how long this summer season has been. I had no freaking idea that these past three months would end up being the bumpy, twisting road that it was. I spent some time going back what I had posted in June as I set out on this new adventure, and without a warning, tears started to flow down my cheeks. I can feel the hope oozing from those words, and the expectations that danced along the edges of my soul. I recall the titillating excitement enshrouded with trepidation at what I had just stepped into. It is all a bit mind blowing as I try to reconcile the journey with this particular destination. I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this time. The journey to get to this point was nothing like I had expected in both good and not so good ways. I have always written to clear my head, to inspire others, and to set mile markers in my life. Each blog post has been a piece of my soul displayed on a pixelated screen, laid bare for all to see. Yet, I had no idea of the unearthing that would occur and the new battles I would have to face as I sat down to write on a regular basis. I had no idea of the immense wrestling match that would ensue as I continued to face God and my Goliaths. I also had no idea that I could feel so seen and heard. Until this summer, I had never before experienced such an incredible depth of life-giving words spoken over me and to me. I had no idea that there were more gifts and talents to be seen and called out in me by incredible people. I had no idea that I, LINDSAY CARLENE, could be bold and courageous. Yet, here I am still sitting in this tension of the good and the bad, fearful and courageous, and holding both hope and grief.
I started this summer with a dream, a dream to share my story and inspire the world. I had taken a challenge, a small step of faith, to see if I could put momentum behind this dream. I took the first step and then BAM!! The assaults of doubt and fear came out of everywhere. Questions of my worth and talent barreled to the forefront. Doubts of God and wondering how or why He could possibly use me became the song of my tears. I had nothing to say, nothing good to say or at least nothing new to say, still I kept on. I didn’t want to fall into my comfortable habits. I wanted this time to be different. I wanted to show up for myself for once. A friend recently reminded me, that courage is a muscle too and if you don’t use it or work at it you lose it. Well, this small but fierce bold challenge was the boost I needed to start being bold in other places in my life. It helped me to start trusting myself again. As a result, I was able to relish in new joys. I found excitement in trying new things. I made space for new people who eventually became friends. I was able to step out of my comfort zone and get out of my own head. I was doing the hard work of acknowledging the places in my heart that were still wounded from past traumas. I was being intentional about me and my own healing journey. All of a sudden, it was like I hit a pit of quicksand. Hurt, loss, rejection, and grief collided, and I was left flailing and floundering. I literally had nothing more to say or to write. My heart felt desolate like the desert hills. I was questioning the greatness of God and wondering so many whys. I felt emptied of all inspiration and the joy that had been lighting my face was fleeting away like a whisper in the wind. Still, I tried to press on. I continued to take the tiniest of bold steps. I risked rejection and put some of my writing out in different places. I started to put words and a voice behind my dreams that they may find a place to bloom as I cast them forth. Even now, I am still desperately putting pen to paper and fingers to a keyboard as I lay my gifts on the altar praying and hoping it will keep laying a foundation for my dreams. As I said before, this summer became a very different reality for me, and now at the end of it, I am still not where I hope to be. I am still leaning and pushing and grasping at the promises of God as I work through my doubts of yes, He has but will He again. I am still facing my Goliaths of doubt wondering whether I have what it takes or if I misheard His leadings. I am still here tired and exhausted of all the waiting and the wanting. Even so, an old season has closed, and I am still here as ready as I will ever be to face the new season ahead. Here’s to walking in boldness wherever that may lead. Goodbye sweet summer!
