Today is a day that truly lives in infamy in our house. A day that felt like it sent us to the depths of some type of unimaginable hell from which all hope seemed to be fading. Today is a day that changed the entire course of my life... 10 years, 120 months, 521.4 weeks, or 3,650 days ago, I moved from being just another inhabitant on this earth to becoming a fighter and survivor and walking miracle. In an instant, my life went from the role of a stereotypical, mediocre girl to the biggest enigma still spoken about in whispers down the sterile, white, hospital halls. My name has moved beyond simplicity to one with sub-titles of "Oh you're the one" and "Man, I can't believe you made it through all of that". Ten years ago, I went from being a nurse to becoming a complicated, pregnant, cancer patient. I went from living and loving my own life to scheduling doctors appts four days a week and carrying my own IV bags wherever I went. Ten years ago, I became my own worst nightmare. Even saying the words, bring back so many fears and emotions. In some ways, it seems like yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime ago or even someone else's life. I still feel like I am living the lives of Job and Israel all rolled into one. I still feel and deal with so many repercussions from this awful disease. I occasionally struggle retelling this story because the weight of it and the pity that at times comes is exhausting, but I carry on because death and disease and evil will not win. Goodness, grace, hope and inspiration, that hopefully come thru this, need to continue so that my pain and anguish will not have been in vain. So now, ten years later, I am still taking time to remember and reflect because I do not want to forget how good God is. I do not want to forget that even though life is still taking turns I am not thrilled with or even understand, God is still moving and working. I do not want to forget that this new body of mine, although uber frustrating and disappointing, is also one that has survived birth and brushes with death. It has lived several lifetimes in this short decade. Rather, I want to remember all of the ways He fulfilled Joel 2:25 in my life. I want to remember that I am still here and have a purpose to fulfill.
Therefore, while remembering my past storm and am in the middle of a different storm in my life, I will still say that God is good, faithful, and still God.
I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies
I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody
I raise a hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me
I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!
~~~Bethel Music~~~
To those who were present for the hellish season and stepped up in incredible ways, I am blessed by you and am eternally grateful for you.
To those who have never met me but stood in the gap for me anyways, I am humbled and thankful for you too.
To those in my life (there are too many to name) who have been there for all of us, from the first phone call and Facebook post and are still active in my life, I love you and thank God for you. Thank you for showing up in every possible way. Thank you for your faithfulness and endurance. Thank you for the grace you gave as we blindly stumbled through the darkest valley of our lives. Thank you for opening my eyes to see what it means to be the Church and to be the hands and feet of Christ. Thank you for continuing to love and support me and my family as we are continuing to learn how to live post cancer and post great grief.
All of you are the silver lining to my story, the proof of God working in my life.
Phil 1:3 I thank my God every time I remember you.
Here is to hoping that this next decade will have more hills than valleys and more joy than pain.💗
