Five years....a lifetime ago it seems. Today, my Timehop made my heart beat as I saw just how much my baby has grown these past 1,827 days. Sometimes it feels like my bone marrow transplant was just a horrid nightmare, and then I look down at my scars and the state of my physical body and know that it was, in fact, a harsh reality. To me, this day is more than just Flag Day. It is my new year, remembering why I am here and what I can do with this sacred life. This past year or so has really made me question why and to wonder what role I am serving here. I know that there is something for me to do, a purpose for which to attain but know not of what that entails. On the one hand, I am still so thankful to be alive, but yet I still crave and cry out in anguish for God to show me more silver linings to help me validate the whole hellish ordeal. I think I am antsy because I feel like I now have the stamina needed to accomplish my big dreams and high hopes, but as I wait I have become vulnerable to the attacks of Satan. He keeps trying to fill me with fear and severe doubt. Clearly, nothing ever seems to go as I would expect it to go (which Satan so eloquently reminds me of), so again I am having to go back to what I do KNOW in my heart that God is still God. Since I have been witness to his bountiful grace I am remembering that I can trust in His perfect timing and plan. Therefore, I wait because I want to be used by Him in enormous ways. My heart's new mantra has been "Here I am Lord. Pick Me.". So, I have been waiting, sometimes not so patiently, to see Him move. This year has finally made me realize that it is ok to hold onto these big dreams because I cling to a Big God. I am learning to take better care of me and to better protect my heart. I am learning that I have worth and something to contribute, even if those around me might not see it, and also that through Him I have an incredible strength that I did not know existed. My story is His story, and I am commissioned to share that story. So I continue to tell it, to use my gifts to bring glory to the God of miracles, the author of grace and hope, and my El Roi.
To my tribe, my family, pictured on that canvas behind me in the picture, this story would not be as awesome without you in it. It has been your incredible and persistent love and support that has gotten me through the fires these last five years. Truly, you all are my silver lining. Here's to the next five years and beyond to a life full of fun and adventure and wonder and each other.
