It Is Finished.

    Seven years ago today, my world was shaken, and the first signs of fracture appeared in my marriage. The façade I had always known began to fall away in shreds. For seven years, I had battled to stay on this roller coaster as I endured dark valleys and fewer mountain tops. For seven years, I prayed and toiled and bore the brunt of things, so that I could stand at the end having done all I could do. Then after a long stretch of absolute silence, God gave me the sign I had been seeking, and I gingerly took the first step toward the final chapter of this particular era. Now, after staggering thru ten months of the hardest battle I have ever faced, my marriage has ended just two days shy of the seven year anniversary of that first devastation. My "I Do" has become "It is Finished". My title of "Wife" has been replaced with "Single Mom". My numbing fear has morphed into glimmers of hope. My wrestling in the dark of night has become pure joy by the light of day. My questions and doubts of God's faithfulness have been destroyed by waves of truth and exponential blessings. My mourning has finally turned into dancing.

I had no idea how I would feel as I watched the calendar march on and these two red letter milestones converge only days apart. I am in a tangle of emotions that is beyond description. I am looking back on the past seven years, and my heart hurts as I remember the pain, the waiting, the yearning, and the fading away of myself. Every anniversary, I had hoped and prayed and continued to wrestle with God that He would still be faithful and be the Redeemer I had always hoped He would be. Every year, I waited for my struggles to turn into something awesome and meaningful. Every year, I felt like the same story different day... until now. 

I will be honest that there were times in these past ten months where I did not know if I was going to make it thru. I felt like every time I turned around, I was losing another battle. Everything seemed to be against me. Here, I had spent my entire life helping people, serving my community, being faithful, and walking in integrity, and it seemed like none of that now mattered. Even surrounded by the most incredible group of people and supporters, I felt like I was being overlooked or forgotten. I felt more and more like Job as the weeks turned into months, and the blows kept coming in every direction. Tears became my constant companion, and heartache my new normal. Despair hovered on the horizon as I wrangled for something, anything I could grasp onto and control as the end drew near. I felt stuck and scared. I still had so many people praying and interceding and speaking truth over me, and yet the battle still constantly raged in my heart. Finally, I had come to the place in my struggle of being able to let it ALL go. Finally, I was able to open my hands and say "Here you go God". Finally, I had found the doorway to complete surrender. My surrender meant sitting in that fear and discomfort and literally handing over all the things that seemed to be slipping thru my fingers. I had to surrender the injustice of a broken system, the possibility of losing all of my worldly possessions, time with my daughter, my identity, my livelihood, and everything else that I had worked for. This was where I had to put concrete steps behind my flowery words and claims. This was where I stood in the fiery furnace and still declared that God was good, faithful and still God. 

So here I am three weeks after my trial and one of the worst days of my life, and I am finally free. My mind is whirling, trying to grapple with this new feeling because it still seems almost too good to be true. Yet, it kind of is. The things that have come about as a result of this court case are things that literally only God could have orchestrated. The outcomes have left even my lawyer somewhat speechless. So many of the things that had seemed lost or destroyed are being transformed and redeemed before my very eyes. I have never felt so validated, so seen, or so loved. I am so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, grace, mercy, prayers, support, money, time, and gifts that were lavished on me and my family during this time. I am forever indebted to everyone that has walked, cried, or carried me thru this fire, and words don't give my level of gratitude, justice. All I can say is thank you, and I love you all very deeply. 

Now, here's to new beginnings, new chances, a new era, and a new start. And so It Begins...

The Two Horned Goat- 2021

    In the movie The Help, there is an awesome quote, "Love and hate are two horns on the same goat...". If that doesn't describe life, I don't know what does. Now, hate is not a word I usually use, but honestly, I have HATED a lot of moments this year. Some of the worst moments of 2021 rivaled some of the darkest times during my cancer battle, and I do not say that cavalierly.  Having to muck my way through this valley of divorce and trauma, this time with my daughter and for my daughter and as an example to her took wrestling with God to a whole new level. I thought the spiritual intimacy I had already come to know, love, and rely on was enough. Instead, these last ten months have shown me very clearly the areas that I was still trying to control and hide. While battling law and order and the judicial system on the outside, an inner battle was waging as I was learning to let go of my fear of the unknown and to leave Nevaeh in the hands of the One who created her. "Ebenezer" and "El Roi"  became my daily battle cry as I kept reminding myself that thus far He had been faithful and He would see us both through this undulating rollercoaster of change and emotions.  

    To say 2021 was a year for the books is an understatement. The story I have lived is one that I could not make up even if I tried. It has been full of nuance and surprises. I felt my way out of many nights of darkness and was also blessed to experience occasions of pure and unadulterated joy. While I was hurt by the one closest to me, I found a blanket of love and support from amazing people all over the world.  The lessons learned and relearned could fill a book, but these top 15 encapsulate this past year...

1. I can find joy and still be sad at the same time.

2. God sees my daughter just like He sees me.

3. Hate and unforgiveness hinder true healing.

4. Grace and space to grieve are some of the greatest gifts.

5. Walking with God is a constant learning and developing relationship. 

6. Going first with my vulnerability, gives others the courage to be vulnerable too.

7. Sometimes people are the best surprises along the journey.

8. Faithfulness will eventually always win out. 

9. Community is absolutely essential to every step in life. 

10. I can be crushed without being utterly destroyed, even when it can feel like I am.  

11. Blessings come in unexpected packages and relationships.

12. Validation can make all the difference in the world. 

13. We can only heal what we name.

14. Honoring my journey and my relationships is a beautiful and awe-inspiring thing.

15. Open-Palmed Living is hard but brings inexplicable freedom. 

Therefore, as I process this past year and step into the next carrying these lessons, I have found my two words on which to focus. The first one has been spoken over me more than once and really fits my mantra of Joel 2:25. It is REDEEMED.

 

Isaiah 43:1-3

But now, this is what the Lord says—

    he who created you, Jacob,

    he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

2 

When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

    they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

    you will not be burned;

    the flames will not set you ablaze.

3 

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

 

MAY IT BE SO!!

The next word is GRIT: She is unshakeable not because she doesn't know pain or failure, but because she always pushes through. Because she always shows up and never gives up. Because she believes anything is possible no matter the odds. She is just like a pearl- made from grit but full of grace. @bryananthonys. This is how I want to be. 

So here's to 2022: May this coming year redeem my grit into a priceless pearl. May this time spent in waiting bear a flood of fruitfulness. May my mourning be turned into great joy. May my healing reveal my stronger self. May all my losses be regained ten fold. May my broken heart find a safe place to land, and May those lessons which have been forged in fire become the steel foundation to the incredible next chapter of my life.