This should have been a big year, a big deal, and I should be celebrating and marveling at how far God has brought me. TEN YEARS ALIVE!!! Ten years marking the milestones with my baby girl!!! I should be writing a new anniversary post and recalling my past Ebenezers to reminisce about how He brought Joel 2:25 to fruition in my life. I should be living life to the full. Instead, I am struggling, surviving, and separating. I have been ushered into a club I never thought I would be in... The (soon to be) divorced spouse club. A club that is full of different kinds of survivors whose scars are rarely visible. A club that breaks my heart and brings me to my knees. Now and again, I have no idea how my life will turn out after this particular battle plays out. I have no idea how God will redeem this time and journey, or how any beauty will come from these devastating ashes. I have no idea how well I am parenting, as I balance healing and persevering and forgiving. I just have NO idea except that this 100% SUCKS!!! I hate that there is this club (but grateful I am not alone), and I hate being forced to choose between multiple things that I hold dear. I hate the guilt and sadness that come with every step in this process. I hate the changes and having to let go of things I never thought I would have to give up. I hate watching my daughter having to navigate a middle ground. Mostly, I hate the old demons that have reared their ugly head trying to validate all of my fears in the midst of all of this turmoil.
Ergo, here I am trying to recall and remember all that I do know to be true. The verses that bolstered me then, are building me up today. The songs that gave my story a voice are also now singing this new chapter. The friends and family that stormed heaven's gates then, have now stepped into my muck and mire and are marching me forward again. New friends have joined my tribe as they wrap me up in words of truth and love. Holy ground now looks more like bunco nights, salon chairs, garage sales, tin can mailboxes, Crumbl cookies, breakfast dates, drive thru lunches, and a circle of friends that hold me as snot and tears pour down my face more often than not. This is what life in a decade looks like for me.
So, ten years ago I got a new immune system and newish body, and today I am heading toward a new chapter, new title, and new beginning of freedom that I did not know was possible.
May the Lord do immeasurably more than I could ask for or imagine in this next decade of new life!!
