June 14, 2017 = 6 years post BMT

This year, this milestone feels different, looks different, and is definitely not where I thought I would be. As I was looking back in February, on the 7th anniversary of my diagnosis, I feel like I have taken steps backwards in these short couple of months. I feel like I have nothing inspiring or revolutionary to share this go around. All I have to offer you, my friends, is a raw, tired, and vulnerable heart spilled out into words. This post is asking for grace from myself to write it and grace from those few who read it...

Six years ago, I was sitting in a hospital room surrounded by my immediate family crying and praying over me, as I tried very hard not to vomit the creamed corn scented marrow I was being injected with, all over them. Just thinking about it kind of turns my stomach still. I was a mess, weak and frail, and exhausted in every way. I was so ready to be done fighting, ready to put the whole nightmare behind me. Some days, I honestly did not know if I was going to make it. Life felt unfair, and I went through the whole grieving process several times a day. Now six years later, some things remain the same. I think I am more of a hot mess these days, if I am truly honest. Life still seems unfair, and my spirit is exhausted from fighting some major spiritual battles and some intense personal ones. I am ready to be done fighting. I am ready for my redemption, my silver linings. I am ready to see the fruits of the hope I have placed in Jesus. Lately, though, my prayers seem to vanish in the wind. Yet, I keep plodding forward because it is the only choice I have, and I do know deep down where my hope lies. My hope is in Christ ALONE, and sometimes my head needs to be reminded of that. Today was one of those days. I am battling the uncertainty of what next step to take and how far I can bend before I break. This day should be one overflowing with gratitude and grace, and instead, I am trying to find the place "where fear has to face the God you know" (Casting Crowns). Today, I was reminded to be like Daniel, who in the face of fear, continued on doing what he knew was right. He continued to pray in public three times a day, even though he knew it led to being the dinner plate of ferocious lions because that is what God called him to do. So, here's to being more like Daniel, having faith in spite of the fear. Here's to waking up to new mercies every day and the gratitude that comes from it. Finally, here's to El Roi the God who sees me in this place and in this moment and still remains faithful. Happy 6th re-birthday to me!

Two of the women who keep me smiling

Totally fan-girling in Karen Kingsbury's bus