“'In the beginning, the ball is huge,' Herschel said in a tweet. 'You can’t move the box without the ball hitting the pain button. It rattles around on its own in there and hits the button over and over. You can’t control it – it just keeps hurting. Sometimes it seems unrelenting. Over time, the ball shrinks — but every now and then, it still hits the button. Maybe you see someone who reminds you of your loved one. Maybe a certain song plays on the radio. Maybe it comes out of nowhere. For most people, the ball never really goes away,' she said in another tweet. 'It might hit less and less and you have more time to recover between hits, unlike when the ball was still giant.'"
If there was ever an analogy that fit with 2020, this is it. My 2020 was no exception. My year was no more remarkable than others. My grief, although it maybe different, was and is still grief, and it has reared its ugly head more times than I can count, moreover, in ways that I have not expected. I will be the first to admit this past year was not my finest. It was dark and heavy and mostly defeating. I kept losing sight of my Anchor. I kept taking back the anxiety and fear that I had just laid down. I kept heeding old lies about my worth. I settled for mediocrity because it was a known quantity when everything else "normal" was gone. I stepped back to avoid confrontation and let hurt be a banner. I had given up land that I had already staked a claim in.... yeah I was definitely not winning. Then looking back over the year and trying to recount my fruit (aka blessings) I really struggled to remember the good. It took me scrolling through my pictures to remember that EVERY SINGLE MONTH something good happened. Good things that I had forgotten because the darkness of the everyday had overshadowed their memory.
So I write this post bearing my vulnerable heart on a white screen to share that 35 years into this life, 30 years into faith, almost 11 years as a survivor, and 6 years as a broken down woman and the struggle is as real as ever.
BUT GOD.
Because of his grace and mercy, I was yet again privy to some incredibly holy moments that helped to shrink my ball of grief. Moments that filled my cup to overflowing and gave me the strength to face another day. He gave me a new niece, Phoenix, who has stolen my heart♥️ and reminded me of His goodness. Because of His love, I have been humbled as friends became family and I was witness to them stepping up to help when things got rough. Because of His awesomeness, I have an incredible relationship with my sister and a brother that I adore. Even more, I still have the best family a girl could ask for, a family that moves to fill the spaces when I lack , a family that brings laughter in the mundane, and a family that knows me and loves me regardless.
On this day full of feelings, not only as an anniversary but also as a new chapter of uncertainty in this world, I cling to my sometimes mustard seed sized faith and hope for miracles. I am restarting the work of healing and attempting to let go of the chains and lies that have bound me. I seek to worship in this storm and remember that God is still good and faithful and most importantly still God.
May 2021 be the cleaning and refreshing and renewal we need.
