June 14th.... a day that will always live in infamy in my world. Today, my immune system is a preteen. It sounds so blasé to say it has only been a dozen years {insert a whisk of my hand}, and yet here with are twelve years down and peppered with some awesome teenage angst😃.
It has been a Dozen Years. A dozen years since since I fought for life to be a mom to my daughter. A dozen years since sickness was my only normal that I thought would never end. A dozen years of walking through fires and hell, sometimes with only a mustard seed of faith and hope to keep taking that next step. Now, here we are. This past year has been different in so many ways compared to previous ones. There have been so many changes, so many feelings, and so so much waiting. This birthday just hits different. I find myself still in the middle of a long wilderness (coming up on a year) knowing that things are moving and shifting, but still anxiously waiting for guidance and clarity because I am still not sure how it will all play out. This is the year where I have actually found myself at a loss for words... crazy I know, but it is true. The lack of blog posts this past year is a testament to that fact. Still, this wilderness has brought its share of blessings too. I may still be in some survival mode, but I have found my inner strength again. Through another chapter of hell, I was given the chance to take back my voice and find my strength. I was able to finally look at my abuser in the eye without fear or trepidation or tears. No longer does that evil make me cower in a corner, for I am no longer that same woman that I once was. Another blessing I have found is that I can trust the wilderness. Honestly, the wilderness sucks. If I had the choice I would not linger here, but I have come to the place of knowing it is only a season. If the God that I know and love is truly El Roi, then He will lead me out when the time is right. I may still lose all that I am and all that I know right now, but I know this isn't the end. God is still present in the wilderness even when He is "silent". God is still present even when I can't see Him working. Right now, this is all I know and that is actually ok even if I have to remind myself of this truth every now and again. Right now, I have no inspiring pearls of wisdom, nothing new to pave the way just the clutching of memories of the past precedence of God's fingerprints in my life. Right now, ALL OF MY THINGS are so completely out of my control, and all I can do is wait and hope and trust that all things will work out for my good. This hope is all I have got, and my little tids and bits of it in the hands of the Almighty can someday multiply into something magnanimous. So happy dozen years to me today and a here's to the hope that my 13th birthday will bring about some epic new things.
