Happy 9th BMT Birthday to ME!!

    This year has truly been one for the books for all of us, and one that is difficult to wrap our heads around. Yet, for me, this has been somewhat of a déjà vu moment. Nine, seemingly long years ago, I was in my very own quarantine, secluded away from my infant daughter and most visitors. Masks, gowns and gloves were my constant companions along with the illustrious odor of creamed corn.😬 Major shopping and eating out were all but forbidden until 45-100 days post transplant. Bottles of hand sanitizer littered every room along with Clorox wipes to be used after every person... Sound familiar? It was definitely a weird moment for me when I realized I was feeling some very similar things all over again. After my BMT in 2011, it took a LONG time after that whole ordeal not to fear living my life. For so long, I had lived in fear about so many things that could possibly make me sick because I had ZERO immunity. I was not able to thrive because all attention was on me being able to just survive. I had to pay attention to everything I did and ate and who I came into contact with. Along the way, those fears became oddly routine and had started to really inhibit the new life I had been given. The gratitude of being a survivor x2 was being swallowed whole by the lingering fears of "What If?".  Even now, some of the roots of those old fears like to rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune moments. Thankfully, I was and still am so blessed to have an incredible community of people who continually lavished grace and patience on me as I worked through my grief and fear and hesitancy on my own time and my own terms. It took great grace and incredible wisdom from my family to remind me that the God who had just brought me through hell was not going to give up on me and would continue to be with me. I still had a purpose and an ordained a life to live. Furthermore, I had a daughter that needed me to set an example. I needed to be brave, to thrive, and to hold fast to my faith in El Roi because she was watching and learning these lessons too. 

    So here I am, nine years later, a little less fearful, a lot less naive, a lot more empathetic, a lot more gracious, and infinitely more brave than I would have ever imagined. I feel humble and amazed that God continues to show up and redeem that awful time in my life. I am privileged to stand in that cancer gap for people praying, supporting, and believing because I have endured it ALL. I can grieve and lament because I too have sat in the depths of despair. I can speak truth over people because I know how the balm of truth can heal a scarred soul. So cheers to another year of perfectly, imperfectly living this blessed life!!

"9" is Freaking Fine!!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

What a Decade Means For Me...

Today is a day that truly lives in infamy in our house. A day that felt like it sent us to the depths of some type of unimaginable hell from which all hope seemed to be fading. Today is a day that changed the entire course of my life... 10 years, 120 months, 521.4 weeks, or 3,650 days ago, I moved from being just another inhabitant on this earth to becoming a fighter and survivor and walking miracle. In an instant, my life went from the role of a stereotypical, mediocre girl to the biggest enigma still spoken about in whispers down the sterile, white, hospital halls. My name has moved beyond simplicity to one with sub-titles of "Oh you're the one" and "Man, I can't believe you made it through all of that". Ten years ago, I went from being a nurse to becoming a complicated, pregnant, cancer patient. I went from living and loving my own life to scheduling doctors appts four days a week and carrying my own IV bags wherever I went. Ten years ago, I became my own worst nightmare. Even saying the words, bring back so many fears and emotions. In some ways, it seems like yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime ago or even someone else's life. I still feel like I am living the lives of Job and Israel all rolled into one. I still feel and deal with so many repercussions from this awful disease. I occasionally struggle retelling this story because the weight of it and the pity that at times comes is exhausting, but I carry on because death and disease and evil will not win. Goodness, grace, hope and inspiration, that hopefully come thru this, need to continue so that my pain and anguish will not have been in vain. So now, ten years later, I am still taking time to remember and reflect because I do not want to forget how good God is. I do not want to forget that even though life is still taking turns I am not thrilled with or even understand, God is still moving and working. I do not want to forget that this new body of mine, although uber frustrating and disappointing, is also one that has survived birth and brushes with death. It has lived several lifetimes in this short decade. Rather, I want to remember all of the ways He fulfilled Joel 2:25 in my life. I want to remember that I am still here and have a purpose to fulfill.
Therefore, while remembering my past storm and am in the middle of a different storm in my life, I will still say that God is good, faithful, and still God.

I raise a hallelujah, in the presence of my enemies
I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody
I raise a hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me

I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm
Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar
Up from the ashes, hope will arise
Death is defeated, the King is alive!

~~~Bethel Music~~~

To those who were present for the hellish season and stepped up in incredible ways, I am blessed by you and am eternally grateful for you.
To those who have never met me but stood in the gap for me anyways, I am humbled and thankful for you too.
To those in my life (there are too many to name) who have been there for all of us, from the first phone call and Facebook post and are still active in my life, I love you and thank God for you. Thank you for showing up in every possible way. Thank you for your faithfulness and endurance. Thank you for the grace you gave as we blindly stumbled through the darkest valley of our lives. Thank you for opening my eyes to see what it means to be the Church and to be the hands and feet of Christ. Thank you for continuing to love and support me and my family as we are continuing to learn how to live post cancer and post great grief.

All of you are the silver lining to my story, the proof of God working in my life. 

Phil 1:3 I thank my God every time I remember you.

Here is to hoping that this next decade will have more hills than valleys and more joy than pain.💗

A Winshield and a Rearview Mirror

Christmas 2009

Ringing in 2020 brought in a flood of emotions and ponderings that left me in a battle of trying to forget and also willing myself to remember.  Ten years ago I walked into a new year hopeful, excited, naive, unscathed, and sicker than humanly imaginable trying to grow a human being. I entered 2020 a shell of the woman I once was. The month of December itself was an intricate display of the juxtaposition between beautiful family celebrations and expectations against the harsh realities of eternity, mortality, and disappointments.  Pretty it was not, but redemptive it is. The amount of growth that has come these last 10 years is more than some people experience in an entire lifetime, and the evidence of this story can be seen by my crows feet, stretch marks, battle scars, and pants label.

2010 brought me a life changing diagnosis and a beautiful baby girl.

2015 brought me to my knees as my world seemingly crashed all around me and also gave me an incredible tribe of women to do life with.

2017 brought me an adorable niece wrapped in a silver lining.

2019 brought me some new family members and the chance to fill my soul while traveling the globe. It was also the year that I put action behind my goal to be more intentional with friends, and boy, was it worth it.      

Christmas 2019

As I look toward this new year and new decade, I hope and pray that this scarred warrior will not live anymore by past labels and hurts, but by the truth of who she is and who she belongs to. I pray that she finds her steadfast footing. I pray she can learn to rest and abide in the One who is working all things out for her. I pray she continues on her path as a cheerleader and truth wielder. 

Here's to having a great 2020 with the eyesight to match!!

A highlight reel of my 2019:

There were piano performances, school recitals, first time things, dress up days, birthdays, anniversaries, dog dying, new friends, new family members, a beautiful wedding, family outings, hospital stays, and trips around the globe. There were hills and valleys and all that is crazy in between. 2019 was definitely a year for the books. (WARNING: Picture overload and chaotic formatting.😁)