9 Years Post D-Day

It's been 9 LONG years. It's been 3,285 days of crazy since I first felt my world shift beneath my feet. As I was getting ready to face today, I was thinking back to that fateful morning. I was so sick and nauseated, but had no clue as to how that day would end with me in a hospital bed covered in tubes and filled with dread. I cannot begin to express even now how grateful I am to be so far past that awful journey, and even more grateful for the person I have become since then. Truth be told, though, I still struggle on many different levels. I feel like by now, almost a decade later, I really would have my ducks back in a row or at least in the same little alcove, and yet, I find I only have squirrels who are drunk at a major rave. So as the day wore on, I sat here pondering and battling over what could I say that I haven't said a million times, and also trying to quiet the insecurities of wondering whether or not people are bored with my bi-annual cancer pep talk. Well, no more. I have talked about this year being a year of thriving, of bravery, and of clinging to peace; therefore, I have decided to give myself grace and remember that this is my story, my journey. Writing this blog is my Ebeneezer to remind myself of the faithfulness I have been overwhelmed with. Sharing this part of my heart is part of my healing that continues even though I am long past the chemo.This is one thing I can control, and one thing that brings me a glimpse of the silver lining I have hoped for. This is my act of bravery  to lay my heart bare for whomever to read, and for them to see my anger, my struggles,my joys, and my vulnerabilities. Welcome to year 9....

 I have been struggling lately with sometimes wishing I could go back to my supposed "glory" days when I had no major scars and my path was planned and on track.There are days when I find myself frustrated because even though this is the best life has been in the last nine years, it is still not quite where I would like it to be. Even so, God has shown himself faithful by graciously and gently reminding me of  the good in my life and the strength that has been built up in me. Even the books that have been given to me or the ones on my launch teams have all carried a common theme of finding hope even when life doesn't go the way we planned (hello God-wink). Reading them has felt like a magnified mirror being held up to my face that is showing EVERYTHING. As I process these reflections, I am learning to be intentional about looking and acknowledging all of the good things I find, both significant and minute. I am learning to lean into the author of perfect peace as I battle tsunami waves of anxiety. I am attempting to find the strength to sit in my pain and heartaches that I may deal with them and heal them, instead of avoiding or numbing them. The list of lessons could go on and on because this survivor is a freaking hot mess😂 and a great work in progress,but I will save those for another post. 

Hear my heart sweet friends, I have had 3,285 more days to live and love and learn. In that time, I have hit rock bottom and climbed mountains. My circle of friends and tribe members have grown exponentially (I love you all dearly). I have faced fears and hurts and literal death, and I have witnessed some the best miracles that life has to offer. I have found gifts that I never knew existed inside of me, and I know that this is just the cusp of the good things that are yet to come. Here's to another 365 days filled with hope, peace, gratitude, and love💗 . Happy 9 years post Diagnosis Day to me!!