"8" is GREAT!!! Happy 8th BMT Anniversary to me!!

Throughout my entire Lymphoma journey from diagnosis, to treatment, to my BMT, and to the recovery that followed, music has been an important tether for me. It has helped me to put words to the deepest cries of my heart and to bring prayers to my mind when I was struggling to survive. Recently, the song "Scars" by I AM THEY has deeply resonated in my soul, and I feel like it speaks to this particular place in my life. 

Waking up to a new sunrise

Looking back from the other side

I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain

I wouldn't trade it for anything

Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I'm standing in confidence

With the strength of Your faithfulness

And I'm not who I was before

No, I don't have to fear anymore

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, In Your feet

I found my victory

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, In Your feet

I found my victory

I'm thankful for Your scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And with my life I'll tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful

I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

So forever I am thankful for the scars

I have to say that looking back, if given the choice, I probably would not choose to go back to that horrible, awful, excruciating day eight years ago as I cried and heaved and howled for my life. Nor would I wish it on my worst enemy, it was so bad. Overall, it was definitely not the life I had wished for or imagined. However, the resulting scars both visible and invisible are starting to not appear as marks of shame but are now proof of the strong and courageous road I have had to endure. It is these scars that give weight to my words and help to remind me of the faithfulness of God. It is these scars that have given me a superpower that I did not know existed. With them, I have the power and authority to speak into the pain and heartache of the people around me. I know firsthand the grief and frustration of seeing your dreams fade into something completely different. I can speak to the questions of whether I would ever feel good again, would this pain ever cease, and where the heck is God in all of this. I also have struggled through some dark avenues of depression wondering if life would ever hold any more joy. So with these imperfect and oddly shaped scars and my long journey of experience, I can boldly say "Sweet friend, I see you, and I get it". I can walk this journey next to you and cheer you on and hold up your arms when the battle won't stop raging. I can sit with you in the quietness and the tears, and I can speak truth over you when the world is swirling around. With these scars, I am able.

So now with 8 turns around the sun that have come and gone, I can really pay it forward, the grace and mercy I was given to live this life, and live it to the full. Now, I am far from perfect. My eyes sometimes stray from the truth, and I look at myself in the mirror with regret and distaste. I see my scars and think "Why me?". So this next year as I celebrate my health, it is the prayer of my heart that I see the gratitude behind those scraggly marks and that I have eyes to really see the hurt and the heart of those around me. 

Happy 8th New Birthday to ME!!!

https://youtu.be/OqjGT9BSyJA for your viewing pleasure the music video for the song.😍

9 Years Post D-Day

It's been 9 LONG years. It's been 3,285 days of crazy since I first felt my world shift beneath my feet. As I was getting ready to face today, I was thinking back to that fateful morning. I was so sick and nauseated, but had no clue as to how that day would end with me in a hospital bed covered in tubes and filled with dread. I cannot begin to express even now how grateful I am to be so far past that awful journey, and even more grateful for the person I have become since then. Truth be told, though, I still struggle on many different levels. I feel like by now, almost a decade later, I really would have my ducks back in a row or at least in the same little alcove, and yet, I find I only have squirrels who are drunk at a major rave. So as the day wore on, I sat here pondering and battling over what could I say that I haven't said a million times, and also trying to quiet the insecurities of wondering whether or not people are bored with my bi-annual cancer pep talk. Well, no more. I have talked about this year being a year of thriving, of bravery, and of clinging to peace; therefore, I have decided to give myself grace and remember that this is my story, my journey. Writing this blog is my Ebeneezer to remind myself of the faithfulness I have been overwhelmed with. Sharing this part of my heart is part of my healing that continues even though I am long past the chemo.This is one thing I can control, and one thing that brings me a glimpse of the silver lining I have hoped for. This is my act of bravery  to lay my heart bare for whomever to read, and for them to see my anger, my struggles,my joys, and my vulnerabilities. Welcome to year 9....

 I have been struggling lately with sometimes wishing I could go back to my supposed "glory" days when I had no major scars and my path was planned and on track.There are days when I find myself frustrated because even though this is the best life has been in the last nine years, it is still not quite where I would like it to be. Even so, God has shown himself faithful by graciously and gently reminding me of  the good in my life and the strength that has been built up in me. Even the books that have been given to me or the ones on my launch teams have all carried a common theme of finding hope even when life doesn't go the way we planned (hello God-wink). Reading them has felt like a magnified mirror being held up to my face that is showing EVERYTHING. As I process these reflections, I am learning to be intentional about looking and acknowledging all of the good things I find, both significant and minute. I am learning to lean into the author of perfect peace as I battle tsunami waves of anxiety. I am attempting to find the strength to sit in my pain and heartaches that I may deal with them and heal them, instead of avoiding or numbing them. The list of lessons could go on and on because this survivor is a freaking hot mess😂 and a great work in progress,but I will save those for another post. 

Hear my heart sweet friends, I have had 3,285 more days to live and love and learn. In that time, I have hit rock bottom and climbed mountains. My circle of friends and tribe members have grown exponentially (I love you all dearly). I have faced fears and hurts and literal death, and I have witnessed some the best miracles that life has to offer. I have found gifts that I never knew existed inside of me, and I know that this is just the cusp of the good things that are yet to come. Here's to another 365 days filled with hope, peace, gratitude, and love💗 . Happy 9 years post Diagnosis Day to me!!

Good Bye 2018 and Hello 2019

As I have tried to look back and take stock of the past year, one word keeps leaping out to describe what it has looked like, and that word is TURMOIL. Even though there have been so many great moments and milestones this year, there has also been a lot of upheaval, frustration, and change. 2018 seemed like THE year for so many emotions. It was a year filled with deployments, re-entries, job changes, relationship changes, loss of loved ones, hurt feelings, health scares, and personal battles. It seemed like every time I turned around I had to face hurt, either for myself or those that I love. 2018 was also the year where I prayed the most gut-wrenching and hard-to-pray prayers, and also where I could no longer ignore the face in the mirror and instead had to make some major changes. So, needless to say, I was more than ready to ring in 2019. I have no idea what this next year could possibly look like, but there are a few things, mostly mantras, I am hoping to take with me into this year.

1. I want to be brave and to continue telling my story, including the hard and ugly parts. I want to be brave to inspire others to be brave, and I also want my story to help others know that they aren't alone.

2. My word for this year is Peace. I have battled  A LOT of anxiety this year (most of it probably unwarranted), and in 2019, I want those chains broken. I do not want my fears of unknowns to take away from living my best life. I also do not want that fear to steal the joy I have in each day with those I love and the things that I am already blessed with... NOT TODAY SATAN!!

3. I AM WORTH IT!! I need to remember that I am worth it because the One who made me has declared it so. I am worth choosing my best yes. I am worth choosing a healthier option. I am worth the grace required when I stumble and stumble again. I am worth it to realize that I am a work in progress and not a finished product.

4. Finally, ... BUT GOD! These past few years have not gone anywhere close to the road I would have chosen for myself or anyone else, but it was the journey to which I was led. There have been so many things that have seemed utterly impossible, but then God showed up in ways that blew my mind. There are still many things that are elephants in the room which are going to take God-sized miracles to overcome, but I am choosing to attach those two powerful words to the end of them. BUT GOD!!

2019: Here's to being able to thrive more than just survive. Here's to being a better, stronger version of myself, and here's to God to doing immeasurably more than I could ask for or imagine.

Some of the highlights of 2018 in pictures: