It Is Finished.

    Seven years ago today, my world was shaken, and the first signs of fracture appeared in my marriage. The façade I had always known began to fall away in shreds. For seven years, I had battled to stay on this roller coaster as I endured dark valleys and fewer mountain tops. For seven years, I prayed and toiled and bore the brunt of things, so that I could stand at the end having done all I could do. Then after a long stretch of absolute silence, God gave me the sign I had been seeking, and I gingerly took the first step toward the final chapter of this particular era. Now, after staggering thru ten months of the hardest battle I have ever faced, my marriage has ended just two days shy of the seven year anniversary of that first devastation. My "I Do" has become "It is Finished". My title of "Wife" has been replaced with "Single Mom". My numbing fear has morphed into glimmers of hope. My wrestling in the dark of night has become pure joy by the light of day. My questions and doubts of God's faithfulness have been destroyed by waves of truth and exponential blessings. My mourning has finally turned into dancing.

I had no idea how I would feel as I watched the calendar march on and these two red letter milestones converge only days apart. I am in a tangle of emotions that is beyond description. I am looking back on the past seven years, and my heart hurts as I remember the pain, the waiting, the yearning, and the fading away of myself. Every anniversary, I had hoped and prayed and continued to wrestle with God that He would still be faithful and be the Redeemer I had always hoped He would be. Every year, I waited for my struggles to turn into something awesome and meaningful. Every year, I felt like the same story different day... until now. 

I will be honest that there were times in these past ten months where I did not know if I was going to make it thru. I felt like every time I turned around, I was losing another battle. Everything seemed to be against me. Here, I had spent my entire life helping people, serving my community, being faithful, and walking in integrity, and it seemed like none of that now mattered. Even surrounded by the most incredible group of people and supporters, I felt like I was being overlooked or forgotten. I felt more and more like Job as the weeks turned into months, and the blows kept coming in every direction. Tears became my constant companion, and heartache my new normal. Despair hovered on the horizon as I wrangled for something, anything I could grasp onto and control as the end drew near. I felt stuck and scared. I still had so many people praying and interceding and speaking truth over me, and yet the battle still constantly raged in my heart. Finally, I had come to the place in my struggle of being able to let it ALL go. Finally, I was able to open my hands and say "Here you go God". Finally, I had found the doorway to complete surrender. My surrender meant sitting in that fear and discomfort and literally handing over all the things that seemed to be slipping thru my fingers. I had to surrender the injustice of a broken system, the possibility of losing all of my worldly possessions, time with my daughter, my identity, my livelihood, and everything else that I had worked for. This was where I had to put concrete steps behind my flowery words and claims. This was where I stood in the fiery furnace and still declared that God was good, faithful and still God. 

So here I am three weeks after my trial and one of the worst days of my life, and I am finally free. My mind is whirling, trying to grapple with this new feeling because it still seems almost too good to be true. Yet, it kind of is. The things that have come about as a result of this court case are things that literally only God could have orchestrated. The outcomes have left even my lawyer somewhat speechless. So many of the things that had seemed lost or destroyed are being transformed and redeemed before my very eyes. I have never felt so validated, so seen, or so loved. I am so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, grace, mercy, prayers, support, money, time, and gifts that were lavished on me and my family during this time. I am forever indebted to everyone that has walked, cried, or carried me thru this fire, and words don't give my level of gratitude, justice. All I can say is thank you, and I love you all very deeply. 

Now, here's to new beginnings, new chances, a new era, and a new start. And so It Begins...