Big Feelings

     Anyone who has known me for longer than 15 minutes has to know that all of my feelings are BIG. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love quickly, deeply, and without reservation. We meet as friends and end as family. Hugs are my currency and prayers anchor my connections. I hoard a lot of books, but I hoard people and friendships even more. The Biggest Heart and Most Tender-hearted are the only awards hanging on my walls. My heart is the filter thru which I do all of my life. It is a swinging door that also allows BIG hurts in. I feel my pain on multiple levels. Rejection cuts to the core of my soul. So this season of hell that I am in, I am feeling pains I have never felt before, on levels I never knew existed. I know this pain is not necessarily unique and not new per se but nothing can prepare you for its devastation. Most people have no idea of the entirety of this particular divorce story, but it has absolutely shattered me and left me broken. I hate looking weak and this new level of vulnerability is daunting. I want to be healed and whole again, and I have some small hope that one day I will be. Still, the way forward is frightening. I know I have to actually sit in this dark pain to process it, but I hate it and I do not do it well. Every fiber of my being is pulsing like it is on meth to DO SOMETHING. Do anything to distract myself. Focus on others' pain. Fill my time. Eat the good stuff. Discover something I can control. Find anything to fill this void. This. Hurts. Too. Much.

    I am not blaming God at all, but He is calmly listening to a head and heart full of angry and caustic words that I am hurling His way. I have grieved and lamented the loss and death of dreams before,  but this is different. This grief has more triggers, more nuance, and leaves me at the mercy of other people's decisions. In the midst of my own darkness, I have to help my daughter find her own space and way to grieve and process this too. So today, I am feeling the weight of the injustice of it all. There is no winning situation. There is no way that I will come out unscathed. There is no way that I will not feel the rejection with every step. There is no way but to walk thru this fire. To every event there is a season and there is a time for crumbl cookies and Hallmark movies and creative crafting and screaming lyrics while alone in my car. For today though, the season is for hot, angry tears from my eyes and loud, heaving sobs from my soul as I sit in this pain with all of these big feelings. 

Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." May it be so.