Oh My Soul

    There is a song by Casting Crowns that I have not heard in ages until this past week called "Oh My Soul". As I was singing along, part of the chorus slapped me across the face and then proceeded to be on a repeat track in my mind for several days. It says, "There's a place where fear has to face the God you know..." Mic drop.

    This week I have had to face some really big mountains. Mountains that seem impossible, completely unjust, and utterly devastating. I have been grieving and cursing and venting and bawling. I have been reaching out to connect with other humans like a dying man in search of water in the desert because right now, it feels hopeless and completely out of my control. I feel like I am on this constant roller-coaster that every time I start to get a toe hold on my life, on my feelings, and on my emotions something brings a sucker punch to my gut, and for now it is too much, too hard to remember the faithfulness I have already been blessed with. So people have been graciously speaking hard, yet necessary, truths over me and to me and in the gap for me as I try to process all that is to come.  Honestly, I am struggling to get to the place where I introduce these fears to the God I know. There is something so intimate and humbling and nerve-wracking coming before the God of the universe and saying "This really sucks. I am tired of this constant battle. I do not see a way out, and I am super frustrated feeling like I am getting the short end of the stick. Where are You?". This whole process is taking everything I have and everything I have ever known about God to maneuver through this knowledge and pain. It is requiring the vulnerability with friends to ask for their love and strength as I bolster my own. It is compelling me to be gracious to my own body, soul, and spirit and to find things that speak life into my bones. It is requiring that I trust, even in the most unknown. 

    One thing, though, that is making all of this even more frustrating is that I have already been down the trauma road. I have already faced literal death and despair. I have already bawled and processed and been severely humbled. I have already showed my scars that bore witness to God's grace, mercy, and faithfulness. Been there, done that...for real. Yet, this trauma is different and purposeful and the result of other fallible human beings. It is making its own newly carved ruts on my soul, and these ruts require its own process, learning, and foundation. It is another fire for my faith to endure as my dross is revealed and removed. The struggle is absolutely real. 

 So to the fears that have shrouded my mind and heart this week, this is the place where my fragile mustard seed of faith tells you to move. This is where you meet the God I know, the God who sees me (El Roi), the God who provides (Jehovah-Jireh), the Almighty God (El Shaddai) and the God who is ultimately just (Elohim). This is where I go back to what I know and not what I feel. I know that God is good, faithful, and still God. May this Ebenezer be the mark where God shows up in unexpected ways. 

May it be so.

My Anthem for the week...

https://youtu.be/DjNZf878ISQ

Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary from fearing
You lost control
This was the one thing
You didn't see coming
And no one would blame you though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away
So no one knows
No one will see
If you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise
That someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And even now
He is breathing on
Your dry bones
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was

Ash and stone
This much I know

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way

Let Him show you how
You can lay this down

I'm not strong enough
I can't take anymore
You can lay it down
You can lay it down
And my shipwrecked faith
Will never get me to shore
You can lay it down

You can lay it down
Can he find me here?
Can he keep me from going under?

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear
Has to face the God you know
One more day
He will make a way
Let Him show you how
You can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone
Oh, my soul
You are not alone

Source: Musixmatch