"I've got this"

Nevaeh recently turned the big "4", and my mind is still reeling with the thoughts of it. Ever since she turned three, she has been like a teenager, and continues to act like one more and more. This, I was not remotely prepared for. I now have to have legitimate reasons, arguments, and facts to answer ALL of the Whys?, What's?, and How comes?, not to mention trying to maintain the patience of Job. "Because I said so" is no longer an option. Nevaeh truly keeps me on my toes in every sense of the word.

 

To celebrate her big day, we went down the road of renting a bouncy house. After much praying for good weather amid the storms, the sun came out to make a beautiful day, and no child got blown away inside of the birthday cake bouncy house. It was a joyful celebration, and according to Nevaeh "This is the best birthday ever!!" Nothing makes my heart sing, than to know I have made some good memories for Nevaeh to keep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Nevaeh,

You are now four, and I feel like I have just blinked as the time flew away. This has been a fun year filled with firsts, like singing in kids choir and taking dance classes. You are an incredible little lady, and you never cease to amaze your daddy and I. Your compassionate heart runneth over if someone is hurt or in need. Your independence, fierce determination, curiosity, and logic constantly keep me on my toes and guessing. I have never met a child who was so adamant about using a fork to eat, even when its just toast. The sharpness of your memory blows me away as you remember the minutest of details for months. I am still giggling over the times that you remember the shoes people wore when they first met you, and not caring about the clothes they were wearing, their hair color, or what they said to you. I love that you still love to help wash dishes, dust, and wipe things off with the Clorox wipes, even though I sometimes lack the patience to let you help.
    However, what I love most about you is the overflow of your heart. I love the way that you love Jesus, and that you find so much joy in all forms of worship. I am humbled and blessed to witness how easy and fun tithing is and that you always give over and above the expected. The sparkle of your eyes as you repeat your monthly Bible verses all by yourself, make my heart melt. Also, my joy runneth over when you sing at the top of your lungs in public, the hymns that we learn each night before bed. Finally, I love that even in the worst of times you always remind me that you are not just my sweet pea or pumpkin pie but that you are Our Gift and Our Miracle. You have so many gifts and strengths, and we can only wait to see what amazing things that God is going to do with you. We love you so very much, Miss Nevaeh.
Love Mommy and Daddy

 

Heavy on my Heart

Tim Tebow once said "I don't know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future."

I have come back to this quote again and again, especially this month and especially this week. Going to the doctor and getting these risky tests done never seems to get any easier even with what I DO know. I have said it a hundred times and will say it hundreds more; I go back to what I know and not what I feel. I KNOW that God is good, God is faithful, and God is still God. The thing that is scary is what I DON'T know. I do not know what God's will is or what He will allow in my life, or  what He will call me to do.

I could not even fathom that four years ago today, February 22,2010, that I would be allowed to face the battle of a lifetime, a battle that would change me on the inside and the outside. Looking back, I cannot help but be amazed at the bountiful miracles that came my way. I have the most beautiful, spirited daughter, closer relationships with my family, new friends, and the largest army of prayers warriors just to name a few. These miracles are why I write about and remember that red letter day. The day of my diagnosis is like my New Year. New Year's Day is the time for people to reflect back on the previous year and make resolutions to better themselves or to better their lives. February 22nd is my time to reflect back on my new normal. It is a time to count my blessings, to express my gratitude, and to keep finding my silver linings. The biggest prayer of these last fours years, besides healing of course, is that this cancer journey would not be in vain but that so much good would come from it. Joel 2:25 says "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..." Well, I have mourned for what I have lost, and I will now look forward with hope to see the abundance He has in store for me.

As for this present moment, I am relishing the peace that comes with having a clean scan, and I am praying that my meds will help with my thyroid. I am also prepping for another health conscious week. I have my heart ablation on Wed the 26th. Thankfully, I know Who goes on before me and who stands behind. On the upside, I can be grateful that going to the doctor is still a nerve-wracking experience because it definitely forces me to stay on my knees praying for peace, grace and mercy from the Ultimate Healer.

So here is to a Happy 4th anniversary to me!!!

Highlights of 2013

Psalm 78:4 "We will not hide them from their descendants; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders He has done."

Cross references:

1. Psalm 78:4 : S Dt 11:19
2. Psalm 78:4 : S Dt 32:7; S Ps 71:18
3. Psalm 78:4 : Ps 26:7; 71:17
4. Psalm 78:4 : S Job 5:9

 I started this blog just a year ago not only to keep people everywhere updated on my health, but also to journal my thoughts and feelings and to record my blessings. This is kind of like my cheap therapy, and a constant reminder of my life's mantra. Anyway, it is that time of year again to reflect on the past and hope for the future. I tend not to make resolutions because I am not that motivated to be perfectly honest. My theory is if you don't make them you can't break them:) Anyway, after making several photo projects this year I realized just how much I am behind the lens of the camera instead of in the picture. Out of literally thousands of photos, there are only a small handful of full family pictures. How sad is that? So my goal/resolution is to take more pictures, especially more of the three and the five of us. I have already warned, I mean told, my family to be prepared because the camera is going to be a more prominent fixture. Now to the rest of the story...

 

As with everyone, this has been a full year of events, firsts, and fun. Here are some of my favorite highlights. (WARNING it may be a touch long:))

• January I got to start Nevaeh in  six months of Music Lingua which is learning Spanish through songs. It was amazing to see her sponge of a mind soak it all up.

  

  Its always a good day when you get to dress like a pirate

           

• February I FINALLY got to experience the wonder that is known as the Melting Pot. (I'm pretty sure I audibly moaned it was that good.)

  

• Easter was fun this year as Nevaeh was able to egg hunt, mostly on her own, and she was so excited to get an Easter basket.
  
• In May Nevaeh turned 3 years old and suddenly became a very opinionated little person. She is such a joy, and her mind never ceases to amaze me. I am pretty sure she has taught me more than I have taught her.
  
• Turning the BIG 3 also meant leaving the comforts of her favorite Sunday school teachers Teacher Sandy and Teacher Gordon for a class with the bigger kids. Seriously, these two people are angels in human form. 
  
• June was an exciting and full month with the first attempt at bowling (praise the Lord for Kids Bowl Free coupons), the first trip to the awesome Denver Zoo, and the start of a combo Gymnastics and Ballet class.
  
  

  

  
  
  
   



• Fireworks is of course the best thing about July and it was the first time Nevaeh was able to understand and thoroughly enjoy them since previous years we have had bans on them for fire hazards. 

 

• August is always a busy month in our house with MY birthday, two anniversaries, block parties, and MOPS leadership retreat for my 3rd year as hospitality leader.
  
  
  
                                        

Sky Corral is a little alcove of heaven

•  September brought about a fun Firefighters Ball and really showed us what a love for cooking and helping Nevaeh has.  

           

 

• Fall came rolling in with some fun times. I went to a MOPS convention and got to meet Beth Moore and dress in a 1970's maxi dress and go dancing with a bunch of other mommas. For Halloween Nevaeh dressed like Doc McStuffins and had just as much fun passing out candy as she did getting it. Plus, I had a visit with one of my oldest and dearest friends at Casa Bonitas. Sopapillas anyone?
  
  
  
  
   
  
• Finally, rounding out the year comes the whole slew of holiday fun, parties, friends and family.

  

  Helping Gigi with the Apple pie and Grandma with Christmas cookies

                                                                                                                                                               
  
  
  
  
  

  

  
  

  
    Cooper's birthday party where she asked Santa for clothes that fit. It was a really AWESOME mom moment.....
  
  
   A neighborhood Christmas PJ party.
  
  
  
   Celebrating Clay's birthday all Together
   So here is to a New Year full of good health and good friends. I am grateful for each one of you who reads this and shares in my life and covers me with prayer.
  
   



 

It's a wonderful life

Here was my weekend. We got invited to a neighbor's pajamas Christmas party. How awesome!!! It gave me the excuse to buy cute pjs instead of my raggedy sweat pants. Then we walk into the house that will soon be filled with complete strangers and I have an SVT attack. So I excuse myself to the bathroom trying to purse-lip breathe and praying that I will convert back before I have to embarrass myself with either passing out or calling 911. I finally feel "normal" and begin to mingle. Then I see a momma holding her baby who has spit up all over her. I race over and start dabbing up the mess because that is what we mommas do. As I kneel down to clean the few drops that landed on the carpet, I hear this noise and a torrential rain of vomit covers my arm and neck. If I didn't know better I would have thought this kid was possessed by the incredible radius of vomit that encircled the area. Anyway, I cleaned myself off and went back to my snacking of course. Who is jealous of me??? :-D Seriously my name should be Murphy. On another upside, how cute is my baby girl? 

Heart to Heart

Today started as an ordinary day. I was not thrilled at visiting a third doctor in the last 10 days to say the least. It was a visit to the cardiologist to talk about fixing my SVT (supraventricular tachycardia). This was a long overdue visit because the chemo and recovery had taken precedence the last 4 years (which I still can't believe it has been that long). Anyway, I was heading out and a dear friend Amanda blessed me with a God-moment. She told me that she was so glad that I am healthy enough now to be able to deal with everything else in my life. I answered my usual yeah of course, but as I got into my car, I was floored... Absolutely!!!! Praise God that I am healthy enough to stop surviving and to continue living. Praise God, I get to go to an appointment that does not involve life-shattering news. Praise God I can have a procedure done to make my quality of life better, and take another medicine off of my daily roster. I have to admit, I battle frequently in the valleys of anger and self-pity. I sometimes, subconsciously, put on my cancer goggles, and I see all the ways that cancer messed up my life and my plans. I have a thyroid that is shooting craps, I have permanent visible scars all over, I don't have nearly the amount of energy I am used to, and the list could go on and on. I was so overwhelmed with humility that I cried all the way to the doctors office as I considered all that I do have now because of and in spite of cancer. I am more than blessed for my beautiful messy life. So for now, I am content and happy that life is good, the holidays are almost here, and I can put off any more tests and procedures till the new year. God is good...

                                                       and here is the proof!!!


PS For a health update, I was put on thyroid meds to help with a multitude of things. I have a PET scan first week of Feb and a cardiac ablation Feb 26th. Prayers would be most appreciated.

Humbled

 When it comes to the role of being a parent, I constantly remind myself of the promise in II Cor 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness".  Tonight, I was again humbled that I live under this promise and covering of grace. It is my biggest prayer that I show my daughter how to love Jesus and walk with Him. It is also my biggest fear that I am not doing a very good job, especially since lately has been less fun and more battling of wills. At church this evening my mother was holding Nevaeh in the sanctuary next to the baptismal, as we were waiting for the rest of the family to leave. Being the ever curious three year old, Nevaeh wanted to know what the tub was for. My mom talked a bit about baptism and what it is. Just then a dear pastor came up to say hi and Nevaeh told my mom "ask Pastor Rob about 'appetize'". They smiled and Pastor Rob explained a short version of John the Baptist baptizing Jesus. When they met us in the foyer Nevaeh told me "When I grow up, I'm going to be baptized and God is going to be really happy. Mom, did you know about John the Baptist covered Jesus in water and a white dove came down?" On and on all night, she kept shouting about getting baptized and making God happy. Needless to say, I was blown away and choked up with tears. What a gift to see a little life already craving to make God happy and a little heart that desires to know more of God. More than ever, I am fully aware that God is making up for my weaknesses and working in my daughter's life like I never could have imagined.

This is one happy, blessed and bawling momma....

A Bump in my Boring

Yes, I am writing ANOTHER health update for those amazing prayer warriors I still have out there. I had blood work, an ultrasound , and saw my oncologist this week. Big praise that the ultrasound came back normal, meaning my lymph nodes are not growing. My sed rate continues to be an enigma, but is not causing any worry at this time. The slight hitch in my health comes from my thyroid. The levels are still normal, but are on the very high side of normal. The plan for now is to watch the levels and then in 3 months see where they are and go see an endocrinologist to see if I have to be put on meds. It is more than likely that having the radiation plus all of the chemo just caused my thyroid to slow down.

Let's be honest, I am frustrated. I am wanting to move on from being a patient. I am tired of having things, even little things, be wrong with me. I know that adding one more med to my daily regime is minimal in the light of still being alive, but I am still human with human emotions. Prayers right now would be most appreciated that my levels regulate themselves. Still no matter what happens, I am repeating my own mantra back to myself. I KNOW that God is good, God is faithful and God is still God.

Cancer really does epitomize all that is evil....Just sayin